Never Really Going To Understand Women

God has a real sense of humor.

When I young,

I was single by choice,

but not my choice.
The choice of everyone I dated.

So I prayed to our
Lord
for a woman who would love me for whom I am,

be understanding,

be kind,

stand behind me through thick & thin,

cook for me,

clean for me,

look to me with gratitude,

and obey me.

That night,

he came to me in a dream

and said,

"There are four women like that who would be with you eternally. Go to any of the four corners of the World and you will find one there!"

I awoke the next morning with the biggest smile on my face

and thought about what God had said to me.

Then I laid back down crying.

The World is round!

So,

let me get this straight.

Women get to wear fake hair,

fake nails,

fake eye lashes,

padded bras,

padded butts,

pumped up lips,

and get Botox,

but they are looking for a real man???

I have always wanted to be with two women at the same time.

One to cook

and one to clean.

I recently put a personal ad in the local paper's

"Want Ads."

Looking for someone like myself,

only with more money.

I hate blind dates.

On my last one I told my date a little white lie about myself

and she called me on it.

I didn't know what to do when she said,

"Show me the Bat Cave!"

A chicken

and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face,

and the egg is frowning

and looking put out.

The egg mutters,

to no one in particular,

"I guess we answered that question."

I am a philosopher at heart.

Here I will show you.

A quiet man, is a thinking man.

A quiet woman, is usually mad.

I blew it with my wife.

She was giving me the silent treatment for an entire week until I said, "Hey, we are getting along pretty good lately!"

I have the geekiest friend in the World,

but he always seems to have new girlfriends.

So I asked him his secret.

He told me you have to be sincere when you first talk to a lady.

Wow,

I said.

That is so profound.

What is the first thing you say to a woman then?

"Hi. My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?"

This is,

Never Really Going To Understand Women In This Lifetime,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”
- Phyllis Diller -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Thanks for reading.

I actually have this poster hanging in my garage.