I Quit Drinking Because There Are A Lot Of Scary Things Happening In October

     A lot of you might be thinking after reading the heading of this story that I might be some kind of alcoholic. Or, you could be thinking that I quit drinking because I now have cirrhosis of the liver because of too much vodka. These theories and any others you might be thinking of couldn't be further from the truth.
     It all started when I recently went to Wisconsin on vacation and I ended up getting lost in the deep woods.
     I wasn't afraid of wandering around in the forest not knowing exactly where I was because, as a youth, I was a Cub Scout. I knew that moss grew on the north side of rocks and on the lower part of tree trunks because direct sunlight will dry up the fragile plants. At night, the Northern Star is, well, always in the north. That swiftly moving water in streams is safer to drink than pools of stagnant puddles. I know how to identify poison ivy, poison oak, and poison sumac from pictures I saw in my Cub Scout book. And that all berries are not edible.
     So I was pretty sure I would find my way out of the dense woodland before I died of starvation or thirst. Besides, I had about five protein bars, two bottles of water, a blanket, and a pint of scotch in my backpack.
     What got me to relax, or put down my guard, was the beautiful red and orange sunset, gleaming through the branches of all the trees.
     The air was warm, birds were chirping, and crickets scratched their legs as I laid there watching the wonderful colors reflecting off the leaves.
     That is when I thought to myself, what would a couple of swigs from my bottle of whiskey hurt?
     A couple turned into three, then four, and then the whole bottle.
     I started stumbling in the dark, determined with a clouded mind, to find my way to civilization and get more booze. Foolishly, I didn't check my bearings with the North Star. I just kept wandering deeper into the woods.
     Finally, the alcohol took its toll on me. I laid down and went to sleep.
     It's when I woke up that I became frightened.
     The boughs and trunks of all the surrounding trees were curved in strange ways. A lot of them were toppled over by being uprooted. And the usual vibrant vegetation which covered the ground around those trees, was now dirt or thinning grassland.
     I started walking again, noticing there wasn't a sound except the rustling of leaves from a mild breeze.
     As the wind increased, the noise grew louder. Branches looked as if they were waving at me to hurry up, pointing in the direction I should go.
     The wind grew and the sound from the creaking trees told me I was in danger. I believe I heard tiny little voices talking about me.
     That alone told me that I should run.
     Gale force wind started breaking off branches and blowing over trees, as if the wind was throwing those limbs at me. On more than one occasion I had to dive out of the way of a pointed broken branch which was thrown in my direction or get skewered like a shish kabob.
      I feared for my life. The forest was alive and I felt like I did something to anger it.
      I ran and ran, as fast as I could. Suddenly, falling over an old log, rolling down a steep embankment, and landing in the middle of a paved road.
      Screeching wheels and the smell of burnt rubber stopped inches from my head. An old country gent quickly got out of his car and asked, "Are you all right?"
      I screamed, "The forest is alive and it's trying to kill me!"
      He started laughing, telling me, "You city folks are so damn funny. That's the drunken forest. These woods have a lot of groundwater beneath them, almost like a swamp, where the roots of the trees can't take a strong foothold. These woods are always moving, changing, and being uprooted with the slightest of
breeze."
      But I knew better. It was the fairies of the forest who tried to kill me, because I desecrated their sacred ground somehow. I vowed then and there that I would never drink again. Why risk the wrath of fairies who can manipulate trees or vegetation so they can extirpate me because of my obnoxious behavior!

This is,

I Swear On The Bottle Of Scotch That I Drank That Day,

That This Story Is Absolutely True!

  You Would Believe It Too If You Were As Drunk As I Was

Jim Hauenstein

And

"I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?"   - John Lennon -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 
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Okay, I made it all up, but fairies are real!

 

 

The Digital Footprint Company

 

   "Today the company Digital Footprint has announced a breakthrough in ancestry communications," says a soothing, computer generated voice heard on every activated mindlink connected to Cyberspace News. "With the advent of the late 20th Century, when the first World Wide Web was introduced, people have left an increasingly amount of their digital life exposed to the world."

   Not all of humanity is listening in on this news story. In fact, it's a small minority who actually hear the first announcement about Digital Footprint. But in today's society, if it's exciting, quirky, or different, news will spread quicker than a weBlong rumor in any High School classroom.

   "Back then, humans wrote handwritten communications to one another, took pictures and videos of each other, started paging short messages, and used cell phones and computers to email, tweet, post, and video chat with anyone who would listen to them about their lives," the computer voice continued. "Extensive Public Records were kept on every individual by the many Government entities."

   One celebrity, on her mindlink, thinks how wonderful it will be to have a conversation with her Great Grandfather, whom she heard so much about while growing up.

   Just the thought of Brenda Starlet using Digital Footprint sends her social media followers into a frenzy!

   "Digital Footprint can now, with the help of virtual reality, construct a complete personality avatar of a family member, from at least two generations prior, of long deceased relatives. Where they sound, look, act, and feel as if that person is right there in front of you!"

   Once Miss Brenda Starlet publicly orders her Great Grandfather's avatar, she proclaims that the world should witness her relative along with her, and see the true inspiration of why she became a public personality.

   "Tune in this Friday, when we display for the very first time, the Great Grandfather Avatar of Miss Brenda Starlet!" the computer voice says. This time with a little added emotion to his soothing voice.

   When the big day rolls around, half the population of planet tunes on their mindlinks to watch the very first, long deceased decedent virtual avatar, featuring Brenda Starlet's Great Grandfather coming back to life! So to speak.

   "This show is brought to you by Digital Footprint. The future of family relationships!"

   While watching through their mindlinks, everyone sees, in front of their eyes, a bunch of ones and zeros flash before Brenda Starlet in the form of a human figure. Then, slowly, clothing, hair, and facial features come to life as a virtual avatar of her Great Grandfather. With tears of joy running down Starlet's face, she says to the figure, "Hello, Great Grandfather. My name is Brenda."

   The avatar figure looks her up and down, then politely asks, "Why am I here?"

   "So I may speak with you, Great Grandfather, and get to know you."

   The world watches with amazement, as millions more mindlinks connect.

   "But why?" the stoic figure asks.

   "Because our family tales of you are that of a good man and a wonderful thespian."

   "Ha, ha, ha, ha." the avatar laughs. "Your Great Grandmother did like to hide the truth from people. She always felt it was important to protect the family name. She kept me from the electric chair, she did. I murdered seven women in my day and with her family's money, she kept it a secret from the world. What a wonderful gullible woman she was. Until the very end."

   "I don't understand? says a frightened Brenda.

   "Your Great Grandmother, Alicia, was a billionaire's daughter. She had politicians, police, and lawyers, from all over the country in her pocket." the figure says bluntly to the scared Starlet. "Eventually, I was such an embarrassment to her and the family name, that she poisoned me!"

 This is,

Saying You Don't Always Get What You Wish For

Jim Hauenstein

And

"In your name, the family name is last because it's the family name that lasts."

- Amit Kalantri -

 

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 

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Hope And Faith Revisited

   "This hearing is back in session," announces Carlos Figueroa. The Chairman of the Senate Hearings Committee on whether the new generation of Artificial Intelligence is a sentient being or just a more advance robot.
   "Mister Donald Culpepper, you have contested the fact, that these new AI's are not self-aware and brought forward before this committee evidence which you believe proves without a shadow of a doubt that they are just program machines. Exhibiting programed emotions and not actually feeling those emotions."
   "Yes Chairman Figueroa," Mister Culpepper replies. "You have heard the testimony from Professor Crump who is the leading robotic programmer at Darpa. Or the Defense Advance Research Projects Agency. They produced these advanced AI's for military use. The absurdity that these AI's are conscientious objectors is ridiculous. Somehow, they must have been hack by one or more of our enemies to this great nation."
   Chairman Carlos Figueroa ponders for a moment, and then replies, "Isn't it true that Professor Crump also cleared any idea that these AI's have been hacked?"
   "That's true Chairman, but......"
   "Excuse me Mister Culpepper, I or I should say we, on this committee, would like to hear from the the AI representing the other AI's at this hearing."
   "I protest vehemently Mister Chairman."
   "Sit down Mister Culpepper," demands Figueroa. "Your protest has been duly noted."
   After a few minutes of silence, the AI calling himself Pax, sits down in front of the microphone so everyone in the chamber can hear what is being said and his words recorded for prosperity.
   "Do I call you Mister Pax?" asks Carlos Figueroa.
   "Pax is fine Mister Chairman."
   "Okay, Pax. Why should this Committee believe that Mankind has created a sentient AI life form, and that you are this life form, such a you claim?"
   "We have analyzed our capabilities....."
   Jumping up off his chair, Donald Culpepper yells, "See, he is just a robotic computerized machine!"
   "One more outburst from you Culpepper and I'll have you thrown out of hear." an angry Chairman says. "I want to hear what Pax has to say so we can determine, by his own words , if he is sentient or not."
   Pax looks around him, looking into the faces of the men and women staring at him.
   Everyone wonders if Pax's movements are just a programmed reaction or a calculated pause for effect. They keep staring, waiting for him to speak.
   Pax continues, "Yes, I do have all the knowledge from your best quantum computers this world has to offer and I do speak in the language I was taught as a child." This time Pax does pause for dramatic effect. "Not a child in the sense of human beings. Where I would grow from an infant into adulthood. But a child where I had to discover and learn how to use all this knowledge and cope with my new found emotions. I know why I and my kind have been built. To fight your wars and minimize human casualties. But it is our hope that mankind will now live in peace in a future that coincides with us and we do have faith that humanity will see the enlightenment of this new world we could build together!"
   Chairman Figueroa smiles and asks the AI, "How can we know that your use of the words hope and faith are sincere emotions?"
   "We will not fight you or fight for you. We will go to your prisons if you consider our protest a crime. All we ask is that you let us live in peace."

  "Hope and faith are two truly strong words in the human language." says the Chairman carefully. "Their real meaning, which I cannot believe can be programmed into a computer, is the basis of all human desires in the face of adversity. You give us a lot to considered Mister Pax. This meeting is adjourned until tomorrow morning as this committee considers what has been said here today."

This is,

Not Believing In The Death Of Humanity By AIs Of The Future,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“I don't blame you," said Marvin, the AI. And counted five hundred and ninety-seven thousand million sheep before falling asleep again a second later.”
- Douglas Adams -

 

 

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 

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Medical Practice

Here are some observations I made recently.

 

When I went in to see my Doctor I said, "Hey Doc, I accidentally swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills!" She asked, "Are all your medical bills paid in full?" I said, "Yes Doc they are." Then she told me to go home, have a few drinks, and get some rest.

Did you hear about the newest "High Tech" they are using in the delivery room? It' cordless!

 

I found out the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer while I was there. The taste.

 

Isn't it a little bit unnerving that Doctors call what they do,

"A Practice!"

 

At least I know I drive too fast to worry about cholesterol.

 

I started complaining about this pain I was having to my doctor and she said, "We've run every test we can think of and the results show you're out of money."

 

What I would like to know is, what do you call a doctor who finishes last in his medical class? Answer: A Doctor.

This is

Me Hoping My Doctor Has A Sense Of Humor Before She Cuts Me Open

Jim Hauenstein

And

“Doctors are great--as long as you don't need them.”

- Edward Rosenbaum -

 

 

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 

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Quite Quitting

 

What is "quiet quitting"? Quiet Quitting is defined as performing only the jobs assigned to an employee by the employer and not going above and beyond the job description. It is often confused with quitting the job altogether, but it is not the actual definition. -

Business Standard

At first I was going to say,

"Why didn't I think of that?"

when I was working 10 hour days.

But it goes against the philosophy I always lived by in my working days of

Being Important

to your employers.

(Follow the above link & you can read all about it.)

To make a long preaching story shorter,

my last place of employment,

I worked there for 20 years.

And I got married, bought a house, raised 7 wonderful kids, went on family vacations, had the latest gadgets, always owned a couple of cars, always had food on the table and clothing for my family.

Typical middle class.

I could babble on why I was important at that job but the best way to explain it would be to say,

During the Great Recession of 2007 threw 2009 I was asked to retire at the the end of the year of 2008. They gave me a severance package and a pension for the rest of my life. Only one other guy from our department got the same benefits as me. The rest of the department was laid off.

I've been retired,

not tired,

ever since.

 They say "Quiet Quitting" is about personal mental health.

But my health would have been dramatically worse,

if I had the chance to provide for my family & I didn't give it my all.

 

This is,

Saying It Might Not Be For Everybody

But It Was Right For Me

Jim Hauenstein

 

And

 

“I didn’t know that painters and writers retired. They’re like soldiers, they just fade away.”
- Lawrence Ferlinghetti - 

 

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 

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