I guess I was one of the lucky ones when
I was still in High School. I didn't have all that teenage angst going on
inside of me where I felt "whoa is me" all the time.
I got along with all the different
groups clicking in school. From the Jocks, Greasers, Hippies, to the Brainiacs.
I even had a pretty little girlfriend named Sheri, who held my hand all the
time while we walked down the halls together.
I was even fortunate enough to drive to
school in a 1955 Buick Century that is still in mint condition today.
True story, my Dad bought the car off a
little old lady who hadn't driven it for ten years. Just sat there waiting for
a guy like me to take care of it.
People in school liked me because with
Electric Dave on lead guitar, Tiptoe Tulips Todd banging the drums slowly,
Bouncing The Brain Brian, bouncing the ivories on the piano, and myself, Two Buck Howie
laying down the bass riff, we formed the only really good Rock band on this side of
the Sate of Minnesota.
From the Principle in our High School,
to the Faculty, the Student Body, and everyone else in town, they all came to
us first hoping that we would play at their upcoming event.
Events like someone's private party,
weddings, birthday parties, school dances, and a corporate shin ding or two.
Everyone asked us because we were that good.
But all good things come to an end. We
all had our own plan for the up coming year, which meant, we were going our
separate ways.
Our senior year of High School had just
ended. A time in my life where I never thought about anything other than
hanging out with friends, playing music, drinking beer, and being with my
girlfriend.
I was a pretty confident guy back in
those days. I didn't even mind it when my girlfriend Sheri would tell me what
to do.
You see, she had
our whole future mapped out for us, way before graduation day came.
She wouldn't leave
such important details, like pissing off her parents, to the last minute. It
had to be a slow and meticulous death for them. Everyday she would do something
that baffled them. It would be something so minor that they weren't even sure
if they needed to punish her for it.
I look back now
and I know I was often dangled in front of them, just to get their goat.
I was a long hair,
beer swigging, bass player in a rock n' roll band.
To say the least,
they didn't like me much or my family.
You've heard it
before. I was beneath there standard as far as lineage is concerned.
They owned the
places where my family shopped. The main clothing and grocery stores in town.
It wasn't like
Sheri's parents had to work hard for their money, prestige, or all the
advantages that comes with being one of the town's richest couples. It's a small town. And what is considered rich here, in a little town called Pittsville, might only be upper
middle class in a big city like Chicago.
Besides, they
inherited all they have. They didn't work for it.
Rich people. Go
figure.
Most of them are born inheriting their wealth. Thinking they are a
higher breed of humanity because of it.
Its only money and
it doesn't give you happiness. That you have to earn for yourself.
I've always said,
and Sheri used to really get a kick out of it, I would say, "You can
give an unsociable asshole lots of money, but in the end, he is still an
unsociable asshole.
If you want to get
technical about it, Sheri's Mom is rumored to be of middle class stock. Oh, the
shame.
So what does she
have on me that makes her so high and mighty?
Her parents always
gave me the feeling of inadequacy when ever I came over to visit Sheri.
So let me tell
you. I was happier than a two pecker goat once I found out what her plans were
for our future. She said it would devastate her Mom and Dad.
It was during our
graduation party. She was going over the list of things we had to do to crush
her folks.
I was at the party
to have a good time, so I might have been drinking, but she was there being
serious and all.
She told me,
"We needed to graduate first, which we have now accomplished." And
then she kisses me.
Maybe she thought
I wasn't going to do it. To graduate I mean.
Who knows.
Second part of her
plan was, "You'll get a job at the Duluth Package Meat Company."
That shouldn't be
a problem I thought.
Third. "Save
up enough money for an engagement ring. So I can show my Dad your not the bum
he thinks you are."
I started thinking, am I truly her man,
or someone to push in front of her parents to piss them off?
Here's the idea I
liked the most though.
"We will both
go in front of my parents, so you'll be there to give me morale support, and
I'll tell them that I won't be attending college this year or any year."
That'll get their
panties in a bunch.
And finally she
tells me, "We'll get married and make a bunch of beautiful babies."
I like the way
that sounds. The making part I mean.
About that job I
was supposed to get. Duluth Package Meat Company is the biggest employer in
town. My relatives have all worked there one time or another. It has been good
to my family, as far as making a living goes.
A life that I
expected to live also.
It's the same life
that was good enough for my Grandpa, it's good enough for my Pa, and it is
sure as Hell going to be good enough for me too.
Routine. Nothing
changing. Every step of the way in life, very familiar territory. Just the way
it should be. Never worrying about what tomorrow will bring.
Can you see now why I thought things were definitely going my way. Can you?
In my eyes, there
wasn't a bump in the road that could be seen for miles.
I had it made. I
was as happy as a lark. I really thought Sheri and I were good together.
Isn't that what
life is all about? Getting married, having kids, pretending your happy?
Then I ask you,
why does a guy go and spoil it all after someone tells him things like,
"Wait, there's more to life than just routine. The war is over, but we can
still make a difference in this country." And stuff like, "It's the
first time this country has impeached a President so we need to go see this
beautiful land of ours before it breaks up into little pieces. It'll be like
Europe, with a bunch of small countries instead of this big one we have now."
Then that someone will say something to the effect of, "Don't you love
your Country? Don't you want to do something to make a difference?"
That someone I
mentioned is named Robert James.
After meeting a
guy like Robert, who was a Senior who transferred into our school, life has
never been the same for me.
So you too need to
watch out for a guy like Robert James.
I'm warning you right now. If you ever meet someone who
has two first names for his full name, is talking against his strict Baptist
upbringing, has brought a southern drawl with him from the State of
Mississippi, and has this notion there is life outside of my little hometown, you run
for the hills. Stay as far away from him as you possibly can.
If you don't, your
existence on this Earth will be like riding a roller coaster from now on,
instead of walking through it quietly. Life will come at you so fast, you'll barely
have time to breath.
I'm not saying
Robert James is a bad sort of fellow who will get you into trouble with the law
or anything like that. I'm just saying he puts ideas in your head that were
never there before.
Thoughts like,
"There's more fish in the sea than one." Referring to me and my one
and only girlfriend that I ever had. "It's a big country out there with a lot
of different places to see." He actually wants us to drive to sin city now
that we have graduated. And the one that got me really thinking was, "Why start
working right after High School? You have your whole life to work."
Well I'm not the
most gullible guy around. It wasn't like I haven't heard this stuff before.
It's Robert James though. He says it so you feel it.
Like I said, I
pretty much get along with everyone in school and out of school. Most of the
families in town have been here three or four generations. The people around
here know me.
So when some new
southern James Dean type kid comes rolling into town and starts stirring things
up, you needn't be his best friend like I became to Robert James.
Not if you want the quite life.
Oh, I can tell
you, all the guys in school all hated him. Because the girls all loved him.
He acts like he's
a man of the world. Has an opinion on or been to every place on the planet. He
knows about cars, motorcycles, politics, and the social graces.
That slow southern
accent of his, when he says something nice to the girl he is with, you can
actually see them shiver inside. From their head to their toes and especially
in their private parts. They seem to yearn for Robert.
He actually makes
everyone he talks to feel important, which in turn makes them like him.
Except for the
guys in school who lost their girlfriends to him.
If a girl was dumb
enough to start telling everyone that Robert is her new boyfriend, he had a way
of buttering them up so when he did break up with them, they weren't mad, they
just wanted him more.
After the split,
the parents of last month's girlfriend would scorn their own daughter for weeks
afterwards for breaking up with such a nice intelligent boy. And he dumped her, not the other way around!
He consistently
broke it off after one month. Not a day longer. I felt bad for Miss February.
He never led these
girls on. H never said he could be more than who he already was.
He never said
stuff like, "I love you," to get what he wanted, unlike most of my
male friends.
It was the girls
who were fooling themselves. They wanted Robert at whatever cost.
You know how women
can be. Always going after the bad boy, figuring they are the one who can
change him. Make him into something good instead of being so, so free!
But if they did
that, he would lose his appeal. He wouldn't be the same man that attracted them
in the first place.
I also foolishly
felt a bond with Robert James since we were together almost everyday. Ever
since the day he introduced himself to me at the beginning of the school year.
I now believe it had to do with me being one of the few students who drove to
school.
Back then, I thought the friendships you made in High School
were for life. So I didn't mind driving him around. When Sheri wasn't with us
we had a blast.
But years later
did I get a rude awakening.
So here is
situation I found myself in, by sticking by Robert James.
I took all my
paper route and gas station money out of the bank. Money I had worked so hard
for, so Sheri and I could start out our life smoothly.
I got into a big
argument with Sheri the day after the graduation party. I told her I have a
major hangover and can't this stuff your telling me wait until tomorrow? With
her then giving me the ultimatum. "You cannot hang out with Robert no
more, because if you do, the weddings is off.
I hope he's right
and there are more fish in the sea who could go for a fellow like me.
Finally, I got the
speech from dear old Dad telling me how he didn't know who I was any longer.
That I had let him down too! I had disappointed him.
Jeez, thanks for
the self loathing complex I have now Dad.
He had set up an
interview with the head of Human Resources Department at where he and Grandpa
worked. So I would have a job right after graduation.
Me, I didn't show
for it. I was with Robert James and time just got away from me.
So now it's just
me, Robert James, and my 1955 Buick Century heading down Interstate Highway 35
with not a care in world.
Or so I thought.
The first night we
didn't stop to sleep anywhere so when I got tired, Robert James drove. When he
got tired, Little Joseph drove.
Little Joseph was
this fellow Robert picked up hitch-hiking while I was asleep. He was only about
five foot one with the longest hair I've ever seen on a dude before. He said he
was going to California. The place where dreams come true, he says. He wanted
to be some kind of movie star.
I told him that
only happens in the movies, where a guy rolls into town and with no training
what so ever becomes a star.
You see, little
Joe told us he never had a day of acting classes in his life. Not even in his
High School. Which he dropped out of.
Even I'm not that
dumb.
He didn't take it
too kindly to what I was telling him so he pulls out this automatic pistol from
his back pack he was carrying, saying he was going to be famous one way or
another.
Later, we threw
his back pack out the door when we had to stop so he could take a piss. We
drove so fast away from him, I new for sure we'd get pulled over by the Cops.
Sure enough, not
five miles down the road a motorcycle cop lights them up and we pull over.
We explained why
and what we were running from, but he still gave us a ticket. He said he would
go back to find Little Joseph.
I'm glad to say I
never saw or heard from the little guy again.
We went to the
nearest Highway Patrol Offices, to pay our ticket, then headed back down the
Highway.
That's when I got
the call. Its only been twelve days since we hit the road and one of my old
chums from school, named Peter, calls to tell me Sheri is already engaged to
marry Dave.
Dave and I grew up
together. Since we were in kindergarten.
Pete was saying
the rumor is that Sheri has always secretly loved him and it wasn't until after I
left that she found out that Dave felt the same way.
Isn't that the
bitch. It's been twelve days and one of my best friends is already porkin' my
girlfriend.
Well, technically
she's not my girl anymore.
She did say she
would wait for me even if it meant forever. And I said I would send for her
once I established myself someplace.
Only twelve
stinking days. I wonder what would have become of me if I had married that
girl. Probably divorced with alimony and child support payments. I would have been angry
all the time and hoping she would die.
Dave, your welcome
to her my friend. I hope you are miserably divorced by the time I come back to
visit at Christmas time. It'll be two or three Christmases from now, so that should
give that woman plenty of time to ruin your life.
"Amen!" Says Robert James.
This is,
Some Of It Was True
Jim Hauenstein
And,
“And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds, are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through.”
- David Bowie -
That is my story and I am sticking to it!
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