I'm Going To Start A Religion All My Own, And You're Invited To Join!

Today,
I am announcing the formation of a
New Cult,
erase that,
a new
Religion
that I will be the leader of.

This
Cult,
why do I keep making that same mistake?
This
Pietism
will not be based on
Orthodox Practices
or
Religious Formalities
from the past
or the present.
It is not a form of
Spirituality
that other
Religious Groups
practice.

Such as;

Animism, Asatru, Baha'i Faith, Brahma Kumari, Buddhism, Christadelphians, Christian Apostolic Church in Zion, Christianity, Confucianism, Divine Lightmission, Druze, Dualism, Eckankar, Hare Krishna, Hinduism, Islam, Jain, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mennonite, Mormon, Mysticism, Polytheism, Raja Yoga, Rastafarian, Ravidassia, Santeria, Satanism, Shinto, Sikhism, Taoism, Thelema, Traditional African Church, Unitarianism, Unitarian-Universalism, Unitas Fratrum, Voodoo, Yezidism, Zoroastrianism, or even the science in Scientology.

Man,
that's a lot of -isms!
My
Religion
will have a band of fervent followers,

who will follow the doctrine that I will lay down as
Scripture,
so none of us have to pay
Taxes
ever again!
When you join,
you do not join a
Congregation
or become part of a
Laity.
It does not matter if you are male
or female.
We all become the
Clergy
in my
Religion.
That way,
none of us will ever have to pay any
Taxes!

It will probably start out slow,
as far as recruiting new members are concerned.
So,
to start off,
all of your worldly possessions
and paychecks must be donated,
totally,
to the
Cult.

I mean,
RELIGION!

You will have the option of spending a percentage of the money you donate to the
Church
though.
I am not a cruel leader,
as you can see by sincerity.
Doesn't that make you feel all warm
and fuzzy inside?
Let's see now.
First,
we'll need
5%
of your donations to buy land
and build housing.
We will have a communal dwelling for food
and drink.
So we won't have a problem there.
Add
3%
for that.
Then we'll need
10%
of your donations to pay for
Lawyers.
Because
Religions
just don't fall out of the sky
and can declare themselves sanctuaries from
Tax Liens.
No sirree Bob,
they don't!
And don't forget my administrative costs.
That will be another
3%.
And my private
Jet.
Another
5%.
Finally,
you'll have to pay,
I mean all the
Clergy
will donate to,
our very own
Religious Retreat
in the
Bahamas!
So everyone,
when I'm not lounging on the beachfront with a
Gin & Tonic,
you too can have a
Religious Experience Vacation
from the grind of everyday life!
15%.
Won't that be nice?
So let's see here.
That means,
you'll be able to spend up to
59%
of your donations on yourself!
Tax Free!
Won't that be a lot better than paying our
Government
the
33%
in taxes they always ask for every year?
Oh, yes.
By the way.
Please start making around a
Million Dollars
a
Year.
Because I can't wait forever for my
Bahama Vacation Retreat!
Or my
Private Jet.

 

This is,

 I am your Leader,
Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“The Scooby gang doesn’t travel because they are looking for crimes to solve. They travel because they’re one step ahead of the deprogrammers. Somehow, Fred’s got them all snookered. It probably has something to do with the Scooby Snacks."

- John Scalzi, -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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