Hurdy Gurdy

The last 2 days I have put up music videos up on my
Blog
for your entertainment,
while we
and the rest of world is on quarantine.

So obviously,

I love music.

After entertaining you like this,

I would like anyone rich enough,

to do me a huge favor.

Buy Me A Hurdy Gurdy!

Please!

I really want to learn how to play one.

Here for your listening pleasure are some

Hurdy Gurdy Songs.

We start off with an

American Classic.

Well,

I do not believe there is a

Hurdy Gurdy

played in that song?

Let us try again.

Patty Gurdy.

Get It?

That was beautiful.

Now don't you want one too!

This is,

Going To Tour In A Hurdy Gurdy Band.

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.”
- Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche - 

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Be Kind To Everyone.

I'll Be Seeing You.

Music To Help Pass The Time Away

He is music you might not have heard before.

It will help past the time.

From

TwoBuckHowie With The Exact Change

This is,

Hoping Everyone Is Staying Safe

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“If I should ever die God forbid, let this be my epitaph: THE ONLY PROOF HE NEEDED FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD WAS MUSIC”
- Kurt Vonnegut -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Be Kind To Everyone.

I'll Be Seeing You.

Playing For Change

First,

The State Department has facilitated the transportation of nearly 17.8 tons of donated medical supplies to the Chinese people, including masks, gowns, gauze, respirators, and other vital materials.

That was back in

February.

We sure could have used that stuff ourselves.

***** 

Here is some music I hope helps you through your day while we are all quarantined.

From the

YouTube Channel

Playing For Change!

This is,

Saying,

Wash Your Hands,

Stay Inside,

Stay Safe,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Stay safe ka ng stay safe..' bakit nung safe ka sakin nagstay ka ba?.

- Napz Cherub Pellazo -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Be Good To Everyone.

I'll Be Seeing You.

Apple's Covid-19 App

Apple just released a COVID-19 app backed by the CDC that tells you whether to quarantine or get tested — here's how it works

Apple released a new COVID-19 screening app Friday that tells people whether to social distance, quarantine, or seek out a coronavirus test based on their circumstances.

The app is the result of a partnership between Apple, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, and the White House. It is available on the App Store and online, and iPhone users can access it by asking Siri, "How do I know if I have coronavirus?"

The app guides users through a series of questions about their symptoms, making recommendations based on their circumstances that include practicing social distancing, disinfecting surfaces in their homes, seeking medical treatment, and seeking a COVID-19 test.

In a statement to Business Insider, a CDC spokesperson said the app is a "direct response" to calls from President Donald Trump to launch a nationwide digital screening service.

Apple's COVID-19 app is one of the first widely-released products resulting from the federal government's attempt to harness big tech companies' reach to combat the spread of coronavirus. While it doesn't involve any data collection, Apple's app bears similarities to an app rolled out by the Chinese government and powered by Alibaba that instructs users to self-quarantine based on their answers to survey questions.

This is,

I Hope This Helps People Around The World

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“I urge you not to buy my books right now, instead use that money to help someone in need. Philosophy can wait, but humanity cannot.”
- Abhijit Naskar - 

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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I Still Believe Humor Is The Best Medicine

 This is a
re-Post
of my
June 15th, 2015
Post
called
Just Joking Around.
I still believe humor is the best medicine.

*****
Recently, I went into one of those discount massage parlors.

It turned out to be self serve!

Then I met this hooker on a street corner.

She told me she had a headache!

If it wasn't for the guy who just pick-pocketed me,

I'd have no sex life at all!

I blame it all on my upbringing when I was a child.

When I took my first step, my Dad tripped me!

When I was born, the doctor slapped my Mom!

Then, I think I was still a virgin at the age of thirty-three,

I was making love to this girl I was dating and she started crying.

I asked, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"

She said, "No, I hate myself now!"

One night I thought I was going to get really lucky.

I had these two girls in my car and they both scream at the same time,
"Stop here!" Right next to the International House of Pancakes was a
Motel 6.

We went inside, and I had to pay for two
"Rooty Tooty Fresh N Fruity"
meals!

Then I started dating this girl who was half-black.

She dumped me because she said I was prejudiced.

In a sweet moment, I called her half-white!

When I got married, I asked my wife if I could give her a goodnight kiss on her cheek.

She bent over!

I did meet a famous Politician once.

I met the Surgeon General, and he offered me a cigarette!

I believe in this World, every person has a soul mate.

And if I ever find mine, my wife will kill her!

People say I look a lot younger than I really am.

That's because I act so immature!

This is,
Those Last Two Jokes I Wrote,
Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
- Paul Terry -

That's my story and I'm sticking to it!

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Thanks for reading.

I'm Here!

Yes.

I am up and running with my archaic

Windows 7 Computer.

It took awhile to get everything downloaded with all the updates needed,

a browser I could work with,

and an antivirus program,

but it's all done.

After a day of getting this thing ready I forgot to plan out what I was going to write about.

Basically,

I got nothing.

So tomorrow will really be the launch of writing

Posts

on a consistent basis.

Stay safe out there everyone!

 This is,

I Am Not Religious

But I Am Spiritual.

So I Am Praying For Everyone To Stay Healthy In My Own Way,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“You can revive economy, but not a corpse.”
- Abhijit Naskar -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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We'll Be Seeing You

Sorry I haven't written for awhile

and no,

I am not inflicted with the

Coronavirus.

Usually I go to the local library to write on my

Blog.

Like most libraries across the world,

ours is closed until the end of

April.
Maybe longer.

The only two working computers in my house belong to my daughter

and my son who are still living at home.

Since they are both home all the time because of the quarantine,

I haven't been able to write anything on my

Blog,

send out emails to

Literary Agents

about my latest book,

and pen anymore

Flash Fiction.

Never fear.

Mighty Mouse is here!

Not really.

What I was going to do next was put a cartoon short of

Mighty Mouse

sniffing a special powder which would make him extra strong after the this sentence.

Unfortunately,

no one has a copy of it up on

YouTube

any longer.

They must have taken them all down.

All I can find now is this obscure photo of him.

 

What I really mean by

Never Fear

is,

that today I am putting together a computer from old parts laying around the house.

Don't want to spend any money if I don't have to.

The first major problem will be that it is a

Windows 7

operating system.

I could go back even further by building a

Windows XP

or even a

Windows 98 2nd Edition

but I'm sure I'll run into a lot more trouble with those systems.

So tomorrow,

hopefully,

I'll be back up

and running on a daily basis.

This is,

 We'll Be Seeing You

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“I like physics, but I love cartoons.”
- Stephen Hawking -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Hopefully This Will Help Keep You Smiling.

From
November 18th, 2016
my
Post
called
All The Funny Jokes Are His
Hopefully,
this will help keep you smiling.
*****
I was at my Doctor's office the other day

and she told me I had better get into shape.

"Doc," I said."I am in shape. Round is a shape!"

Did you know that cannibals will not eat clowns?

Yeah, they say they taste funny.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

In America anyone can become President.

That's the problem.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns,

do the rest drown too?

What I want to know is,

whose cruel idea was it to have the letter
"S"
in the word

"Lisp?"

Never, ever, raise your hands to your kids!

It leaves your groin unprotected.

If I eat

Pasta and Antipasti

will I still be hungry?

When I was growing up,

I was always told that I would be somebody.

I just wish that they had been more specific on what that would be.

The main reason

Santa Claus

is so jolly all the time,

is because he knows where all the bad girls are!

This is,

Thanking The Late,

Great,

George Carlin

For All The Funny Jokes Today,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.”
- George Carlin -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Trying To Stay Funny Among All This Madness

A few years ago,

I started

Group Texting

my kids.

It is my way,

of letting them know,

that they are in my thoughts everyday.

Even though I am retired,

and I would like to point out that I was very lucky to be able to retire at the age of

Fifty-Three,

and have a lot more free time on my hands now,

my kids are busy as ever with living their lives.

They don't always have the time,

to take out of their busy schedules,

to just sit around

and chat about the weather with me on their cellphones.

So I

Group Text

them a

"Dad Joke"

on a daily basis to keep in touch.

It also keeps them on their toes.

A lot of times,

it also starts a conversation between them,

about how corny I am.

In this way,

I have them communicating with each other too!

What?

You don't know what a

"Dad Joke"

is?

"Dad joke" is a pejorative term used to describe a corny or predictable joke, typically a pun.^[1] Generally inoffensive, dad jokes are traditionally told by fathers among family, either with sincere humorous intent, or to intentionally provoke a negative reaction to its "dagginess". One of the most common "dad jokes" goes as follows: A child will say to the dad, "I am hungry," to which the dad will reply, "Hi, Hungry, I am Dad." Many dad jokes may be considered anti-jokes, deriving humor from an intentionally unfunny punchline. Wikipedia

 My oldest daughter thinks I am so corny with my

"Dad Jokes"

that she thinks I am ruining my kids lives!

My grandson asked me to make him a sandwich. I said,
"Poof, you are a sandwich!"

This is,

I Have Personally Used The

"Sandwich Joke"

On More Than One Occasion,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
- Steve Martin -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Which Is Better

Before I quit drinking!

After I quit drinking!

This is,

I Am Not Sure Which Is Better!

Jim Hauenstein,

 And,

“That's the problem with drinking, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.”
- Charles Bukowski - 

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Friday The 13th

From

September 6th 2016

my story about

Friday The 13th

called 

Some Institutions Will Let You Write Things Down On Paper With A Crayon

*****

   I went to see my Doctor today, and she said, "If you don't want to lose your job, lose your family, and start living a normal life, quite with the Frigga-trisk-aide-kaphobia!"

   Surprised, I said, "Doc! You don't have to be vulgar about it."

   You see, she is from the Philippines so sometimes, her pronunciation of certain medical terminology is elongated. 
   "Jim. Why did you come in here to see me today?" She asked with a lot of frustration in her voice.

   "Well Doc. It only happened to me once before in 2016."

   I was trying to act cool about it. Like, what happened to me was normal.

   "Back in May of that year, I was drying off from my morning shower, when I heard on the radio the most frightening four words I have ever heard."

   Interrupting, she says, "I really think you need to see a Psychologist."

   My eyes widened. I was stunned. 
   "No, Doc please." I started pleading.
   With as much earnest appeal as I could muster, I asked her, "I trust you Doc. Just hear me out, please?"

   She pauses for a moment, looks me squarely in the eyes and asks,

"Are you paid up with all of your medical bills here?"

   I replied, "Of course I am Doc."

   I lied. 
   "OK Jim. You can go right ahead then."

   So I tell her in detail how I ran screaming from my house that day in May butt naked. Running past a group of children waiting for a school bus. Luckily for the children, unluckily for me, a motorcycle cop was driving by at that very moment. Without going into too much detail, after a night in jail, I woke up normal. I was released on a bond and told to appear in court on such and such day!

   "What is wrong with me Doc?"

   With all the fake sympathy she could muster up herself, my Doc tells me, "You have a form of Trisk-aide-kaphobia!"

   Not looking very intelligent at that moment, I asked. "What?"

   "You have Para-skevide-katria-phobia!" She says. Hoping I understand now.
   Unintelligently, I repeat, "What?"
   "You are afraid of FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH!" She yelled in my face.

   "That's it?" I asked. "I can beat that little phobia."

   With a little smirk on her face, my Doctor tells me, "Jim. Because you postponed your court date so often, it is now on January 13th, 2017! That is on a Friday!"

   With that, I run out of her office, screaming all the way down the street, ripping all my clothes off. I am sure that the last thing I heard, before leaving her office was, "Call 911. There is a nut running around outside with no clothes on!"

This is,

Did Know That Some Institutions Will Let You Write Things Down On Paper With A Crayon,

 Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.” 

- Groucho Marx -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Thanks for reading.

P.S. The four most frightening words I ever heard in my life are; "It's Friday the Thirteenth."

I Cannot Take Credit For This Post

Betsy DeVos Says She Was Planning to Close All Schools Anyway

By Andy Borowitz for The New Yorker.com 

As an increasing number of schools and universities closed down because of the coronavirus outbreak, the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, revealed on Monday that she had been planning for years to close every school in the country anyway. Speaking to reporters in Washington, DeVos said, “When I took over as Education Secretary, I came with a simple mission: to shut down all of the nation’s schools. It turns out that I was just ahead of my time.”
Noting that schools are where students learn math, science, and history, DeVos said, “I have long believed that schools are where all the bad things happen.” Deciding to “wipe out the scourge of education once and for all,” DeVos said that, within days of taking office, she drew up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open.
In a reassuring message to the nation’s parents and students, DeVos said, “Amid the current crisis, many of you are wondering how we will close every American school overnight. Let me just say that this is the job Betsy DeVos was born to do.”

This is,

The Republicans Go Marching One By One

Hurrah Hurrah

The Republicans Go Marching Down The Rabbit Hole

Hurrah Hurrah

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Republicans stand for raw, unbridled evil and greed and ignorance smothered in balloons and ribbons.”
- Frank Zappa -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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The Realistic You

A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck.

The bartender points at him and says,

"I'm gonna let you in this time, but don't you start anything!"

A really drunk guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of Lesbians having a birthday party for one of the girls.

The drunk, thinking he is being funny asks,

"Can someone here give me a bl*w-job?" 

One of the ladies walks up to him and says,

"Sure. Blow up these balloons."

Why don't blond men make ice cubes?
Because they don't know the recipe.

What happened to all the blondes at the football stadium?
They drowned in the wave.

 When I die,

I wanna go like my grandpa did.

Peacefully sleeping.

Unlike the passengers in his car.

Do you know when a person is the perfect human being?

It's when they are writing their resume!

 

 When three people are having sex,

they call it a threesome.

When two people are having sex,

they call it a twosome.

What do they call it when one person is having sex?

Handsome!

This is,

I Do Not Know What They Are Joking About

I Have Been Handsome All My Life

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're OK, then it's you.”
- Rita Mae Brown -

 That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Let's Have A Pox Party!

I am feeling really good today so I think we should all 

PARTY!!!!!!!!

Yahoo!

Let's have a

Chicken Pox Party,

or a

Measles Party,

or even a

Flu Party!

Yes,

people used to have

Chicken Pox Parties

 so their children would build up an immunity to the virus.

Now that

Anti-Vaxxers

 are taking their children's immunization matters into their own hands,

we have a resurgence of

Pox Parties.

If it worked one hundred years ago,

why won't it work today?

I took a quick look for some statistics on how many children used to die after these events,

but I didn't find any clear evidence right away.

I didn't do a deep dive on the subject,

but I'm sure if I did,

people would see the follies of their ways by the statistics.

Even without concrete numbers you would hope that  they would see how foolish this practice really is.

Then again,

some

Anti-Vaxxers

believe vaccines are a

Government Conspiracy!

In my lifetime,

I grew up with someone who had

Polio.

Mark,

I am happy to tell you,

never let his handicap get in his way.

I saw him about twenty years ago

and at that time he had a good job,

was married,

and had four beautiful children.

I hope him

and his family are still doing well.

By now,

we would have eradicated

Polio

worldwide if it wasn't for the

Anti-Vaxxers

movement.

I hope,

despite their misguided feelings on vaccines,

someday we will be rid a lot of these childhood viruses.

On a lighter note.

I know what kind of

Party Treats

we can eat.

Kit Kat Bars.

Not just any

Kit Kat Bars

either.

Japan's assorted flavors of

Kit Kat Bars.

They have had over three hundred different flavors since the year 2000!

This is,

Asking Why Would You Make A Wasabi Kit Kat Bar?

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Japan never considers time together as time wasted. Rather, it is time invested.”
- Donald Richie -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Coronavirus In A Large Gathering

I have another observation I would like to talk about.

Well,

this might even turn out to be a prediction.

It has something to do with the

Coronavirus.

I really didn't want to jump on the

Scare Bandwagon

to start alarming people,

but I believe that this is important

and everyone should be aware of what could possibly happen.

You are probably aware that school are closing their doors all across

America,

churches and mosques are closing their doors,

concerts have been cancelled,

conventions have been cancelled,

college basketball games have been cancelled,

soccer matches have been played in empty stadiums,

and a lot of businesses are asking their employees,

who are able to,

work from home.

There have been at least three cruise ships since the outbreak that have been stranded in ports,

unable to release their passengers because of the virus's contamination.

People are so worried about the spread of this virus that they are doing everything in their power to not get infected

or spread it accidentally.

But,

there is one place in this country where the mentality of patrons supporting certain establishments can't see the light of day.

Literally.

Because there are no windows at 

Casinos!

And these gambling houses are everywhere.

"Only two US states have a 100% ban on gambling: Hawaii and Utah. Only six US states do not allow lottery betting: Hawaii, Utah, Mississippi, Alabama, Alaska, and Nevada. Twenty-two US states allow lottery gambling or pari-mutuel betting on horse races, but do not have land-based casinos." From Online United States Casinos.com

Where do you think the next major quarantine will be?

Where there are large groups of people who congregate of course.

And what kind of business do you think is not feeling the global recession right now?

Gambling,

that's who.

In

California,

where I live,

we have an abundance of casinos.

There are nine within 25 miles of my house.

I know of no better way to spread an infectious disease like
COVID-19.

This is,

Do Not Worry About Me

I Don't Gamble

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“The coronavirus outbreak feels like an episode of The Twilight Zone!”
- Stewart Stafford -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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