I'm Always Trying To Be Funny

 From
Friday September 23rd 2016
my humorous
Post

Two Of These Stories Are True - Can You Tell Which Ones?

*****
My grandson asked me the other day;

"Grandpa, why do you always tell me no? You say no, I can’t have any candy. You say no, I can’t have any soda. You say no, I can’t have a dog. Grandpa, I am going to run away."

So I said,

"Yes."
"Go ahead. I’ll see you later then."

Tell me this.

How do they know all penguins are monogamous?

You know,

mate for life?

If they all look alike,

how do we know they are not cheating on one another?

 

I went to see my doctor this week.

She looked me in the eyes

and asked me,

"Jim, are you on drugs? Your eyes are so red."

I said,

"No Doc, my allergies are acting up."

"I never tested you for allergies Jim?"

Says my Doctor.

"What are you allergic to?"

So I told her,

"Pot."

She then asks me,

"What are you taking for your allergies?"

I said,

"Mozzarella sticks!"

I went to the grocery store yesterday

and before I got in,

this guy holding a signup sheet outside asks,

"Sir, would you like to volunteer to help clean up trash from our beaches this coming weekend?"

I tell him,

"I already volunteer every Saturday and Sunday to help keep our beautiful state clean."

Not knowing there was this other guy behind me who works with me on the weekend speaks up

and says.

"Yes, he does. He also wears an orange vest and picks up trash along the Highway with the rest of us weekend convicts."

My best friend,

from years gone by,

named Scott,

had the same hairline problem as I do.

OK,

we didn’t have hair on the top of our heads.

One day we were sitting at the bar a little too long

and I got all emotional.

I lean over to him,

pulling him close to hug him,

I tell him loudly,

“I love you man.”

Then the top of our heads came together

and from the other side of the bar this lady says,

“Look at those two. They’re making an Ass out of themselves!”

This is,

Saying God Made A Lot Of Beautiful Heads In This World.

The Ones He Didn't Like,

He Covered Up!

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it's the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It's probably the most important thing in a person.”
- Audrey Hepburn -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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