True Dat

On Fridays,

I try to start the weekend off with a bunch of jokes.

In this way,

after a boring week of work

or school,

I am hoping that it helps you forget all about those tedious necessary duties,

we all have to go through in life.

Instead of rambling off a bunch of jokes today,

since I am a story teller,

I would like to tell you a true story.

When my third youngest daughter was about sixteen years old she asked me to take her to Ross Department Store because she needed a new bra. When we arrived, my daughter walked up to a sales clerk, and being a little embarrassed, quietly asked where the teenage bras were kept. The clerk, seeing that I was standing nearby, asked my daughter, because she thought that she was embarrassed with me standing there,

"Is this the first time you are with your Grandfather buying a bra?"

This floored my daughter.

Literally.

She was on the floor of the department store laughing her heart out.

What do you think?

I think I look young for my age.

 

What a handsome individual.

Don't you think?

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?
"A mechanic."

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”

I’m trying to get into classical music,

but I can’t find any original recordings.

All the music is performed by cover bands.

My wife noticed me standing on the bathroom scale,
sucking in my stomach.
“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon?

It’s not like its the end of the world!

This is,

Me Hoping You Have A Great Weekend,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Be careful about reading health books. Some day you'll die of a misprint.”

- Markus Herz -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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The Nose Knows

Please forgive me
Steve,
Todd,
and
Jeff.
I know not what I say when I talk about
Politics!
*****
OK,

I have learned my lesson.

It has taken me a lifetime to realize it,

but unless you are in the profession of talking about

Politics,
you should avoid it at all costs.
But I'm not that smart. 
Talking about
Politics
is like explaining to a blind person what beauty is all about,
or describing what the color blue looks like.
(Tell them to feel a cold running stream and that is what blue looks like.)

This will probably not be the last time I will talk about this subject this year,
but

Political Views

are as varied as the noses on our faces.

Sure,

you can group certain noses together,

as you can group of certain people together who follow a particular political candidate.

But their noses
and noses on the faces of a political candidates can say a lot about
our
Political Situation.

According to

Buzzle.com

"Just like different body shapes and sizes, our noses can be classified into as many as 14 broad categories. While many of us ignore what our noses look like, there are many who can't take their eyes off this very prominent feature of the human face. There even exists a surgical procedure known as rhinoplasty, where professionals alter the contours of a nose to make it less unappealing."

So how do you judge the personality of a person by their nose?

The good people at

Buzzle

have come up with a list.

"How your nose dips and twists says a lot about who you are."

(Apparently)

"Let's take a look at how your nose can reveal your true self."

Large : Materialistic, energetic
Small : Timid, loner
Straight : Systematic, good leader
Slightly upturned : Social butterfly, lucky within social circles
Wide (with a slight bump or flat) : Independent, expressive
Hook-shaped : Powerful, gutsy
Long : Stressed, respectful
Pointed : Self-assured, inquisitive
Snubbed : Immature, friendly
Thin : Finicky, out-of-con

This is,
The Longer I Live The Larger My Nose,
And I Can Guarantee That I Am Not Becoming More Energetic Because Of It!

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“One way of seeing all this was as a symptom of post-millennial decay, the degradation of public discourse, and the encroachment of celebrity worship into the arena of national affairs. Another way of looking at it was as an indication of the GOP's state of disarray. Then there was the way Trump perceives the thing: as a manifestation of his magnificence.”
- Mark Halperin, -

 That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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The Youth Of Today Are Devil Worshipers

Every generation looks at the upcoming generation as the downfall of society.

It goes back as far as the beginning of the written word.

I have heard,

but I can't find the documents to prove it,

that

Egyptian Scribes

complained about their civilization's youth because of their frequent use of cannabis.

Still don't believe me?

Here are some more recent documents I could find.

According to

Scientific America

chess was ruining our youth.

“CHESS-PLAYING EXCITEMENT”,

which appeared in the July 2nd, 1859 issue of Scientific American.

The headline alone explains how ridiculous that was.

 

 In the 1790 book

Memoirs of the Bloomsgrove Family

Reverend Enos Hitchcock wrote

"The free access which many young people have to romances, novels, and plays has poisoned the mind and corrupted the morals of many a promising youth and prevented others from improving their minds in useful knowledge."

From the 1780 book

General Dictionary of the English Language

Thomas Sheridan wrote

"The total neglect of the art of speaking has been productive of the worst consequences. English is likely to become a mere jargon, which everyone may pronounce as he pleases." 

And of course,

you can find many more items like this if you want to do the research yourself.

This is,

Saying I Believe The Youth Of Today Are Becoming Devil Worshipers Because

Children Are Growing Horns From Using Cellphones 

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“What I like best about cell phones is that I can talk to myself in the car now and nobody thinks it's weird.”
- Ron Brackin -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Family Matters

I have

Family Matters

that I must take care of today.

Sorry,

I have no time for hard hitting commentaries,

humorous antidotes,

political satire,

poetry,

or a new flash fiction story.

What I will leave you with is some of the music I am listening to when I take my daily walks.

Please,

do not judge me.

BabyMetal

Farewell Angelina

Semblant

Amy Winehouse

This Is,

Asking If You See A Theme Here,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.”
- John Lennon -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Happiness Is Enjoying Yourself - Enjoying Yourself Is Happiness

When I created something in the past,

I wanted it to last at least the duration of my lifetime.

 I wasn't very good at art,

but the things I created are still around.

Well I hope they are still around.

I think they are still around.

In a chest in my garage.

 

The

Romans

and the

Greeks

made stone sculptures to last centuries.

 But some of today's artists create only for the moment.

Not caring if their work will last the test of time.

 

So I decided to write music when I was younger.

Hoping it would be my epitaph.

The dreams of youth.
Being a
Rock Star.

There are more songs on my

YouTube Channel 
if you like to listen to them.

Now that I am older,

I write a

Blog

which has a bunch of my

Short Stories

that I've written over the years.

Such as
A-L-I-V,

Tic Toc Toc,

Benched,

One Dual Consciousnes,

and so on.

I have written an

eBook
called

No Return Address.

I am now working on two new

Books

which I hope will be published someday.

If not,

I know this will sound trite but,

I will at least die happy knowing that I have tried.

I am no longer looking for a legacy,

or longevity,

I am just enjoying what I am doing now in life right now!

I am enjoying the

Moment.

This is,

Happiness Is Enjoying Yourself,

Enjoying Yourself Is Happiness,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.”
- Dalai Lama XIV -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Memorize This - There Will Be A Quiz

Have you ever had a hard time remembering someone's name you just met a week ago?

Or were told to do something at your place of work

and as soon as the conversation was over you forgot what you were supposed to do?

Don't worry,

you don't have

Alzheimer's,

you just haven't trained your mind properly to remember new things.
(Side note.)

I was into computers right from the early days,

starting in 1989.

Not the exact beginning but pretty close.

My joke,

I often told when I forgot something was to say,

"I have so much information stored up inside my brain that to add more I need to clean out my mind's cache once in awhile."

Well,

it went over as really funny with computer geeks.

You might have heard that,

to remember something,

it is best to set it up with a word

or number association.

How to Quickly Improve Your Memory Using Number Association

 I am here to tell you that association does work,

but better still,

is using your mind on a daily basis to remember things!

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah.
(2nd side note.)

I went to

Saint Mary's Grade School

when I was growing up

in

South Milwaukee,

Wisconsin.

Yes,

my hands were repeatedly slapped with rulers by angry wielding

Nuns.

But that is not the moral of this story.

In the early 1960s

Sister Adelle

was still teaching at our school at the ripe old age of 63.

That was old back then.

And she told her class,

and I have lived up to it ever since,

"To keep your brain sharp throughout your life, you need to memorize one thing per day! Don't write it down. Memorize it!"

I know it has worked for me because I can still recite all

48 States

of the

United States!

This is,

What Do You Mean We Have 50 States Now?

When Did This Happen?

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

"At least with the Catholics, you know that when someone hands you a cracker there’s gonna be wine in the mix at some point."
- Peter Watts -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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47 Years Later

If you haven't read my last

Post

yet,

you might be wondering where I have been.

Well,

I have been out sick with the flu.

I am back with a vengeance though.

Or,

like my kids like to describe me,

I am back embarrassing myself!

I'll tell you why.

Remember back when you were in

High School

and it was a beautiful day outside?

You were driving around,

after school,

in whatever junk car you could afford?

And that one song came on the radio that just made you feel wonderful inside so you decided to sing along with your windows down?

You would be drumming on the steering wheel,

swaying your long hair back

and forth,

and moving as much as you could in the front seat of your car,

as if you are dancing?

Remember?

Now,

come back to today's reality,

47 years later,

and you are feeling fantastic again after a bout with the flu.

A car full of

Millennials

look over

and see this

Boomer.

Who is bald,

with a scruffy beard,

in his 60's,

and he is doing the same thing he was when he was young to the song

True Faith

by

New Order!

I'm car dancing because I feel so good now!

This is,

The Only Thing Missing Was The Ponytail I Used To Wear,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

"Because your consciousness is in the now, the day seems long, but the years fly by!"

- James Hauenstein -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Oooops. I Said Something Political. Let The Hate Mail Begin!

First,

my computer was down for repairs

and now I have the flu!

I guess the little gremlins are against me writing everyday on my

Blog

for some reason.

Maybe they are saving me from myself by not letting me comment on our

Political Situation!

Don't worry about me though.

I do not have the

Coronavirus

or do I have to worry about getting it.

Because our full of $#!?

President

says,

Trump Claims Coronavirus Will “Miraculously” Go Away by April

By Bess Levin for VanityFair.com

On Monday, the death toll from the coronavirus topped 1,018, with World Health Organization director general Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus warning that recent cases of infected patients who had never visited China could likely be the “tip of the iceberg.” After remaining relatively mum on the coronavirus thus far, Donald Trump told supporters at a rally in New Hampshire Monday night that the virus will be gone by April, claiming that when temperatures rise, “the virus” will “miraculously” go away.

Oooops.

I said something political.

Let the hate mail begin!

 This is,

Saying I Might Have To Take A Few Days Off To Rest.

Please Take A Look At My

Fiction Stories,

Poetry,

And

Music Videos,

To Keep Yourself Entertained Will I'm Away,
Thank You,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

"If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific."

- Donald Trump -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Teaching Primates To Farm

I know you are going to tell me that I have been watching too many movies,

but I actually think we can teach other primates to farm.

Remember,

when homo sapiens first started becoming farmers instead of hunter-gatherers,

that is when our species really took off.

We built cities,

governments,

and a new social structure.

Most people know who

Koko

was,

a lowland gorilla who could communicate with us using a form of the

American Sign Language.
So other primates can be taught to learn something new
and we know they can communicate with one another.

This picture shows Koko with her pet cat.
Is man the only animal with pets?

   We have evidence of orangutans,

after watching human beings,

figure out how to use our tools.

  We have monkeys riding bicycles
and doing other human activities.

The list goes on

and on.

My theory is,

since all primates have a social order already,

if we can teach some of their leaders to farm,

then they will teach the others of their group to do the same.
We give a group of primates a parcel of land
and let's see what happens.

You never know.

Soon they could be making huts,

clothing,

and running for office in a government of their own making.

This is,

Just A Thought,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.”
- Jacob M. Appel -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Isabella Fiorella Elettra Giovanna Rossellini

What would you do if you wanted to make your own mark in the world,

but you come from

Hollywood Royalty?

Your father was the famous director

Roberto Rossellini

and your mother was the famous actress

Ingrid Bergman.

You were once married to

Martin Scorsese

and lived with,

at different times,

David Lynch

and

Gary Oldman.

You have been an

Italian actress,

filmmaker,

author,

philanthropist,

and

model.

You even have 1 of those beautiful Italian names.

Isabella Fiorella Elettra Giovanna Rossellini.

What do you do when you have it all?

You start you own television series on the

Sundance Channel

called

Green Porno

of course!

I found it on

YouTube.

https://youtu.be/TmC2JTtatUE?list=PL14F6452A495787DE

It's not what you think by just reading the name.

It is all about teaching young adults about animal sexuality.





This is,

Saying Maybe It Is What You Think,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

"I believe in a set of values I cannot live by. I set high goals for myself, I seek perfection, dream of exotic faraway places. But ultimately, what I long for isn't far away at all. It's in my own backyard. Imperfection charms me, familiar things move me... a celebration of what we have, instead of what we long for. That for me, is glamor." - Isabella Rossellini - That is my story and I am sticking to it! Like what you are reading? Sign up as a Follower, or leave a Comment. If it's worthy enough, I'll answer you in a Post. Thanks for reading.

Why I Quit Drinking

     A lot of you might be thinking after reading the heading of this story that I might be some kind of alcoholic. Or, you could be thinking that I quit drinking because I now have cirrhosis of the liver because of too much vodka. These theories and any others you might be thinking of couldn't be further from the truth.
     It all started the day I went to Wisconsin on vacation and I ended up getting lost in the deep woods.
     I wasn't afraid of wandering around in the forest not knowing exactly where I was because, as a youth, I was a Cub Scout. I knew that moss grew on the north side of rocks and the lower part of tree trunks, because direct sunlight would dry up the fragile plants. At night, the Northern Star is, well, always in the north. I know how to identify poison ivy, poison oak, and poison sumac. That swiftly moving water in streams is safer to drink than pools of stagnant puddles. And that all berries are not edible.
     So I was pretty sure I would find my way out of the dense woodland before I died of starvation or thirst. Besides, I had about five protein bars, two bottles of water, a blanket, and a pint of scotch in my backpack.
     What got me to relax, or put down my guard, was the beautiful red and orange sunset, gleaming through the branches of all the trees.
     The air was warm, birds were chirping, and crickets scratched their legs as I laid there watching the wonderful colors reflecting off the leaves.
     That is when I thought to myself, what would a couple of swigs from my bottle of scotch hurt?
     A couple turned into three, then four, and then the whole bottle.
     I started stumbling in the dark, determined with a clouded mind, to find my way to civilization. I didn't check my bearings with the North Star. I just kept wandering deeper into the woods.
     Finally, the alcohol took its toll on me. I laid down and went to sleep.
     It's when I woke up that I became frightened.
     The boughs and trunks of all the surrounding trees were curved in strange ways. A lot of them were toppled over by being uprooted. And the usual vibrant vegetation which covered the ground around those trees was now dirt or thinning grassland.
     I started walking again, noticing there wasn't a sound except the rustling of leaves from a mild breeze.
     As the wind increased, the noise grew louder. Branches looked as if they were waving at me to hurry my stride, pointing in the direction I should go.
     The wind grew and the sound from the creaking trees told me I was in danger. I believe I heard tiny little voices talking about me.
     That told me that I should run.
     Gale force wind started breaking off branches and blowing over trees, as if it was throwing those limbs at me. On more than one occasion I had to dive out of the way of a pointed broken limb which was thrown in my direction or get skewered like a shish kabob.
      I feared for my life. The forest was alive and I felt like I did something to anger it.
      I ran and ran, as fast as I could. Suddenly, I fell over an old log, rolling down a steep embankment, and landing in the middle of a paved road.
      Screeching wheels and the smell of burnt rubber stopped inches from my head. An old country gent quickly got out of his car and asked, "Are you all right?"
      I screamed, "The forest is alive and it's trying to kill me."
      He started laughing, telling me, "You city folks are so damn funny. That's the drunken forest. These woods have a lot of groundwater beneath it, almost like a swamp, where the roots of the trees can't take a strong foothold. These woods are always moving, changing, and being uprooted with the slightest
breeze."
      But I knew better. It was the fairies of the forest who tried to kill me, because I desecrated their sacred ground. I vowed then and there that I would never drink again. Why risk the wrath of fairies who can manipulate trees or vegetation so they can extirpate me because of my obnoxious behavior!

This is,

I Swear On The Bottle Of Scotch That I Drank That This Story Is Absolutely True!

  You Would Believe It Too If Were As Drunk As I Was

Jim Hauenstein

And

“A cold wind was blowing from the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things.”
- George R.R. Martin -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Thanks for reading

 

Be kind to one another

 

I'll be seeing you

 

“Whenever I Feel The Need To Exercise, I Lie Down Until It Goes Away.”

What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?

A-mean-oh-acid!

What subject in school is easy for Witches?

Spell-ing!

Two beers

or

not two beers?

That is the question.

- Shakespeare -

Alcohol

Because no great story in life

started with a salad.

- Confucius -

What did David,

the Professor at

Bowie State, Massachusetts

ask for in a

Mexican Restaurant?

A Beer-rito!

 
 Silence is Golden!
Unless you have Children.

Then it is Suspicious!

- Aristotle -

This is,

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise,
I lie down until it goes away.”

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“I love mankind ... it's the people I can't stand!”
- Charles Schultz, -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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