Bill Kurtis Limericks

Do you know the answers to these

Limericks?

1. Since moon rocks are easy to scoop, old waste we will try to recoup. We're paying the piper by bringing home diapers. We'll go back to pick up our...

2. It's quite an upbeat epilogue. They've found me a mate in a bog. I've got an amphibian reason to live again. I'm no longer the loneliest...

3. To ruthless, blood-sucking banditos, we humans are just big burritos. But play them some Skrillex, and they will not drill-ex. It kills food and sex for...

4. I will bring a new life to this earth. So I'll look like the millions I'm worth. I'm like Meghan Markle with lip gloss and sparkles. I look really glam giving...

5. On Mars, there's no planes where the brush blooms. But no life - here a big-fingered hush looms. The rover has found roundish bumps on the ground. And some say those are pictures of...

This is,

Finding These Limericks Funny

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“A wonderful bird is the Pelican. His beak can hold more than his belly can. He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week! But I'll be darned if I know how the hellican?”
- Dixon Lanier Merritt -

Thank You

to

NPR's Podcast

Wait Wait Don't Tell Me!

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Like what you are reading?
 

Sign up as a Follower,

or Set up my Blog

as your Homepage

on your Web-browser,

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or a Suggestion,

and I will answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

If you are reading this on a

Cell-Phone,

you will see a

Link

on the bottom of the page,
after all the headlines of stories
where it says;
View Web Version.

To truly get the full benefit of my

Blog,

I suggest you view the web version.

You will just have to expand the page to be able to read it.

Thanks Again.

Oh,
did you want the answers?
 You couldn't figure them out?
Okay.

Answers

1. Poop - The Apollo 11 astronauts left 96 bags of human waste up on the moon. Now we know why there's a dark side of the moon.

2. Frog - Back in January, the so-called world's loneliest frog, thought to be the last Sehuencas water frog. He lived in isolation for 10 years. But an expedition to Bolivia found Romeo his Juliet and also another frog that secretes a poison that makes it seem like you're dead when you're really not. But I'm sure nothing bad will come of that.

3. Mosquitoes - Deejay Skrillex is apparently a real buzz-kill. According to researchers, Skrillex's EDM track "Scary Monsters And Nice Sprites" has been linked to declined mosquito mating rates.

4. Birth - More and more women are getting stylists to come in and get them gussied up for postpartum glamour shots. One New York spa will send a stylist to do your makeup and your hair in the delivery room. It's part of a - it's part of a special beauty package called hey, how did you get in here?

5. Mushrooms -  Get ready for some Martian risotto, as mushrooms might be growing on Mars. A recent study in the Journal of Astrobiology and Space Science shows photos that they say could be mushrooms growing on Mars. Although, one of the many skeptical internet commenters said, quote, "the journal and article are both garbage," unquote, or so says what is I'm sure a real scientist who calls himself Zebelkroid (ph).

Re-Posting An Important Message!

Re-posting an important message!

*****
I have been asking everyone I know if they will please sign up as a

Follower

on my

Blog

so I can show

Publishers

I have a following

and will be able to sell my manuscript.

But

Blogger

doesn't make it easy for anyone.

If,

like almost everyone today,

you are looking at this

Post

on your phone,

they make it seem impossible.

I do appreciate everyone trying to sign up though

and I appreciate everyone still coming back daily to read what I have to say on my

Blog.

Please don't get frustrated.

The problem,

when looking on your phone is,

Blogger

uses what is called the

Mobile Version

of a website.
What that does is,

it takes away all the extra designs,

headings,

thrills,

and frills I am able to put on the

Web Version.

This lets the

Mobile Version

load faster onto your phone

and lets you see,

what they consider the important content in a larger font size.

The

Web Version

is always loaded in the tiniest of fonts so they can show the whole webpage.

Unfortunately,

the only way to sign up as a

Follower

is to look at the

Web Version.

The best way of signing up as a

Follower

is to open up whichever

Browser

you like to use.

Like

Internet Explorer,

Edge,

Chrome,

Mozilla Firefox,

Opera,

and so on.

If your

Homepage

isn't

Google.com

go to that page.

If you already have a

Gmail Account,

sign in.

If not,

you will have to create one.

Once you have done that,

in the search box type in

Two Buck Howie

and a link to my

Blog

will pop up.

Press on that link.

Then you will see the

Mobile Version

of my

Blog.

Near the bottom you will see where it says

View Web Version.

 Click on that link

and of course the

Web Version

will load.

Then,

on the right hand side,

under the heading

"Followers,"

you will see near the top a blue link titled

Follow.

Press on this

and you will be able to say yes to be the next

Follower!

See how

Blogger

makes it almost impossible for most people to sign up!

But please,

take the time to do so

and you will be helping me out tremendously.

I'm trying to figure out a way to reward the people who do.

Right now I'm thinking a free copy of my book to the first 50

Followers

when it comes out.

If I am able to convince a

Publisher

that I have enough

Followers

to publish it.
I want to thank
Delbert Hauenstein,
Kayla Littmann,
Andrew Victor Bano,
Wild Litt Litt,
and
Sean Russell
for signing up as my new
Followers!

This is,

Thank You Once Again,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“I still encourage anyone who feels at all compelled to write to do so. I just try to warn people who hope to get published that publication is not all it is cracked up to be. But writing is. Writing has so much to give, so much to teach, so many surprises. That thing you had to force yourself to do, the actual act of writing, turns out to be the best part. The act of writing turns out to be its own reward.”
- Anne Lamott -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 Like what you are reading?

Sign up as a Follower,

or Set up my Blog

as your Homepage

on your Web-browser,

or Leave a Comment,

or a Suggestion,

and I will answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

If you are reading this on a

Cell-Phone,

you will see a

Link

on the bottom of the page,
after all the headlines of stories
where it says;
View Web Version.

To truly get the full benefit of my

Blog,

I suggest you view the web version.

You will just have to expand the page to be able to read it on a cellphone.

Thanks Again.

Opioids

I was thinking about one of my best friends today who died after being in a coma for a few years after taking too many
Norco Pills
for pain.
I think about him all the time.
I tried to make this
Post
funny back in the day
but there is nothing really funny about
Opioids!
 From
March 7th, 2016
my story called
Norco Loopy Pills.

*****
I missed writing yesterday on this
Blog
because, 

I blame it on the loopy pills prescribed by my dentist after I had two teeth pulled on
Saturday.

"Norco is the brand name for the combination prescription drug acetaminophen/hydrocodone. (Which I was prescribed.) It is used to treat moderate to severe pain. Vicodin, Lorcet, and Lortab are other brand names for this combination." 

From the website everydayhealth.com

It is manufactured by 

Actavis Inc. 

Now the fun stuff about 

 Norco Pills.

"As with all prescription drugs that contain acetaminophen, (Tylenol) the FDA requires that the labels carry a "black box" warning highlighting the potential for severe liver damage, and another warning about the potential for allergic reactions. Before taking Norco, it's important to tell your doctor about any allergies you have, not only to hydrocodone and acetaminophen, but to other narcotics, such as morphine or codeine, and whether you have liver or kidney disease. Since hydrocodone can slow or stop your breathing, your doctor also needs to know about any brain disorders or head injuries, asthma, chronic disruptive pulmonary disease, sleep apnea, or seizures. Like any narcotic painkiller, hydrocodone can become addictive. You should be candid with your doctor if you've had a personal history of drug or alcohol abuse."

Pregnancy & Norco.

"Norco is in FDA Pregnancy Category C, meaning that it’s unknown if Norco can harm a developing fetus because no adequate and well-controlled studies have been carried out in pregnant women."

Of course not,

that would be stupid!

The Norco high & it is high on abuse.

"Hydrocodone, the narcotic component of Norco, makes it ripe for abuse, especially since it's easily available as a generic and is not an expensive drug. The drug can give users a feeling of euphoria that lasts several hours. Abuse of any narcotic drug, including Norco, can result in addiction, overdose, or death, especially in a child or any person using the drug without a prescription."

Norco withdrawal.

"Going cold turkey, or stopping the drug abruptly after developing a dependency on it, will likely bring on withdrawal symptoms. These usually include sweating, a runny nose, watery eyes, goose bumps, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, restlessness, and agitation."

I do not know what the big deal is about those symptoms. 

I had the same ones every time I broke up with a girlfriend! 

Since, 

I drank my liver into oblivion, 

beginning in the early 1970s thru to the late 1990s, 

and since I am allergic to aspirin, 

my liver has now taken a beating from 

Tylenol. 

So, 

I am quitting the loopy pills immediately, 

and destroying the rest. 

Because;

"Hydrocodone is a narcotic, while acetaminophen is a mild painkiller. Combined, they belong to a class of drugs called opioid analgesics, which work by blocking certain nerve cell receptors in the brain."

The word 

"opioid" 

tells me the street would have a market for these pills but I am way over that
and experimenting with any kind of heavy drug use since I stopped playing music in rock bands during the 1980s! 

My body is like a  

Temple in Nepal. 

It is sacred, 

but has a lot of damage from the earthquake of my youth!

This is,

Maybe Someone Should Start Quoting Me
"My Body Is Like A Temple In Nepal"
Man That Is Some Good Stuff,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Sometimes we take action, sometimes we take pills.” 
- Fall Out Boy -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 Like what you are reading?

Sign up as a Follower,

or Set up my Blog

as your Homepage

on your Web-browser,

or Leave a Comment,

or a Suggestion,

and I will answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

If you are reading this on a

Cell-Phone,

you will see a

Link

on the bottom of the page,
after all the headlines of stories
where it says;
View Web Version.

To truly get the full benefit of my

Blog,

I suggest you view the web version.

You will just have to expand the page to be able to read it.

Thanks again.

Wit And Wisdom

All my wit

and wisdom on my

Goodreads Author Page,

under quotes.

"I loved Verti. Until she jumped. That is when I felt Vertigo."

"I believe everyone in life has a soul mate. And if I ever find mine, my wife will kill her!"

"Does love make the world go around? Well yes. But whiskey makes it go around twice as fast."

"My body is like a Temple in Nepal. It is sacred, but has a lot of damage from the earthquake of my youth!"

"The Dictionary defines Soul Mate as: A person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament. Before I met mine, I didn't know I was bonkers!" 

"People think I am younger then I really am, because I act so immature."

"Teenagers - tired of being hassled by your parents? Act now! Move out, get a job, pay your own bills.....while you still know everything."

"If you think that American Capitalism is the most dangerous Institution in the World, it just goes to show, that you haven't partied like there is no tomorrow with the fun loving posse of The Islamic Republic of Iran, North Korea, The Taliban, or ISIS. They all party off the hook!"


"Me, personally. I do not know a soul who perished that day of 9/11. But it did then, does now, and I imagine it always will bring out the Patriot in me."

"The reason I might forget something is because my mind is like a computer. I have so much useless stuff stored up in there, that when I forget to clean out my Mind's Cache, it has no room for new information. Like wearing pants!"

"When all else fails, there is music. When that fails you, there is beer!"

"Life experiences shared with a friend will turn into memories to be enjoyed."

"I try to pray everyday or every night to thank my Personal Lord for all that he has given me, all that he is giving me, and all that he will give me."

"A life that is happy and has no money, is better then a life unhappy with money."

"Before you start your full day of watching Equestrian Square Dancing, Soccer Balling, Hoop Dreaming, Cricket Batting, Rugby Punching, Volleyball Chopping, Skateboard Falling, Martial Arts Bowing, Bicycle Peddlers, and College Football Hecklers, maybe we have time to learn something
Scientifically."

"I have tried to live my life with no regrets. Because regrets will become guilt in some cases, and guilt eats away at your sanity."

"Who is watching the Watchers?"

"Be careful when you ask Karma for something that you have always wanted. When I was young, I asked to be surrounded by beautiful women. Now I have a wife and four daughters."

"Have no regrets in life because of the choices you make. Good or bad, they are a learning experience, to help you grow. The only regret in life, is to never make a choice at all."

"I still believe this Life is a good joke. And if you treat it that way, you will never stop laughing."

"Sitting there, it is impossible to change your luck. But, you can always change the machine you are at!"

"Realize in life that you will have your ups and downs. You can't have those wonderful up moments without the downs. If everything stayed the same all the time, that would be depressing."

"Women. You have to love them the way they are or they'll drive you insane." 


"I have heard that the French like to say, "Nobody grows old during a happy occasion at the dining table." With such wonderful family and friends all around us for Mitchell's and Stacie's wedding, I know their love will always stay young and true to one another, because of the love and happiness we all have in this room today!"

"From Imagination comes Reality my friend." 


"God is out there. Using the Earth as an experiment. Bringing these creatures to life, then extinction. Another set of creatures to life, then extinction. Let's hope he isn't bored of us yet!"

"Change is inevitable. Change is exciting. Change is good. Look forward to change and embrace it. Then you will never be left behind in life!"

"I'm not afraid of heights. I just really respect them. That is why I stay away from the edge!"

"Hate is a powerful emotion. It can take over a sane man's mind and cloud it with insanity."

"I try to pray everyday or night to thank my Personal Lord for all that he has given me, all that he is giving me, and all that he will give me."

"If we are made in his image. How will that change in this next stage in our evolution? Where we have cloning of individuals and gene manipulation to enhance ourselves. Are we changing what that image is?" 

"Eye Amost Evr Spel Ah Werd Wong Annymoe, sinc eye goat alto pel"

This is,

Not Saying I Am The Next Aristotle

But If You Know Me I Never Run Out Of Things To Say,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“May you live every day of your life.”
- Jonathan Swift  -

I want to say Happy Birthday to my son, James Jr., who is 20 years old today!

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 Like what you are reading?

Sign up as a Follower,

or Set up my Blog

as your Homepage

on your Web-browser,

or Leave a Comment,

or a Suggestion,

and I will answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

If you are reading this on a

Cell-Phone,

you will see a

Link

on the bottom of the page,
after all the headlines of stories
where it says;
View Web Version.

To truly get the full benefit of my

Blog,

I suggest you view the web version.

You will just have to expand the page to be able to read it.

Thanks again.

"Home" And "Pull Downs"

The list of

"Home"

and the

"Pull Down Arrows"

you see,

right under the heading,

Two Buck Howie,

when you you look at my

Blog

on a cell phone,

are some of the best written material I have.

You should use one of the pull downs

and take a look once in awhile!

The first one is a link to purchase my eBook called

No Return Address.

The second

"Home"

and

"Pull Down"

has links to

67

flash fiction

and short stories I've written.

The third has

13 Links

to poetry.

The fourth has

Links

to my weekly serial I wrote called

The Man From Mars.

 The fifth has links to the

8 Chapters

of my

Novelette

called

Why Should I die?

The sixth has

True Life Stories

which have happened to me over the years.

The seventh

and final

"Home"

with a

"Pull Down"

is the

"Hauenstein Philosophy."

When I started this

Blog

I set it up for people to come

and read it on their computer.

Unfortunately,

Google's Blogspot

doesn't let you design how your

Blog

looks on a cell phone!

So,

to really capture the feel of my

Blog,

I suggest you take a look at it on a tablet

or a computer once in awhile.

You will be surprised to find out that I also have

10 Music Videos

on my

Blog

which the cell phone version doesn't show you at all!

This is,

Always Trying To Figure Out Ways For You To Have A Better Visual Experience,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“My blog is a collection of answers people don’t want to hear to questions they didn’t ask.”
- Sebastyne Young -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 Like what you are reading?

Sign up as a Follower,

or Set up my Blog

as your Homepage

on your Web-browser,

or Leave a Comment,

or a Suggestion,

and I will answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

If you are reading this on a

Cell-Phone,

you will see a

Link

on the bottom of the page,
after all the headlines of stories
where it says;
View Web Version.

To truly get the full benefit of my

Blog,

I suggest you view the web version.

You will just have to expand the page to be able to read it.

Thanks again.

Job Advice

My employment advice from
January 16th, 2016
called
Resurrectionist Is My Kind Of Work
 
******
I know it's hard to find a job nowadays, 

since
Politicians, 

Educators, 

HR Directors, 

Parents, 

and
People
with little ambition will tell you it is so. 

I have talked about this before in my
Post 

Be Important.

I have
Five Jobs
here though, 

that I know everyone will want. 

If you can actually find one of these jobs, 

stay ahead of the game 

and 

Research What Is On The Horizon For That Job, 

Always Keep On Learning New Things In Life, 

Work At A Job You Like, 

Keep Updating Your Resume, 

Always Look For Better Opportunities, 

Be An Innovator, 

and 

Never Fall Into Complacency. 

In this way, 

you will always be in demand in the job market.

OK, 

Top Five Jobs You Should Be Looking For!

5)  Pinsetter

4) Rat Catcher

3) Milkman

2) Airplane Listener

1) Resurrectionist or Grave Robber

There you have it. 

Five, 

highly sought after job opportunities that you would be a fool to pass up! 

Now, 

go motivate yourself, 

look for a job you will like,

because you wouldn't want to have some kind of employment where the outcome 

or longevity of that job can't put food on your table!

This is,

I Believe The Grave Robber Job Is The Only One Still Active,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in the cage.”
- Billy Corgan -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

 Like what you are reading?

Sign up as a Follower,

or Set up my Blog

as your Homepage

on your Web-browser,

or Leave a Comment,

or a Suggestion,

and I will answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

If you are reading this on a

Cell-Phone,

you will see a

Link

on the bottom of the page,
after all the headlines of stories
where it says;
View Web Version.

To truly get the full benefit of my

Blog,

I suggest you view the web version.

You will just have to expand the page to be able to read it.

Thanks again.