Laughing All The Way

Did you know,

while a son is growing up,

it takes a Mother years and years,

of careful manipulation to educate and raise her boy properly for this world.

But,

it will only take a girlfriend 30 seconds to make him stupid.

God,

created the Heaven and the Earth.

Everything else is made in

China!

What is an Astronaut's favorite part of a keyboard?

The Space Bar!

 Women are like a new Computer Virus.

They ENTER your life.

SEARCH through your pockets.

SHIFT your balance.

CONTROL your life.

And when you become an old version,

DELETE you from the system.

I have been told,

that if I keep drinking beer the way I do,

I will become FAT!

Beer doesn't make you Fat!

It makes you LEAN.

Up against tables, chairs, walls, and ugly people!

Two Irish Men were walking past a bar.

I know,

I can't believe it myself!

When you want to wake up

Lady Gaga

what do you do?

Poker Face.

I asked my wife the other day,

"What is your favorite book in the World?"

She said,

"Your checkbook."

What is green, rectangle, and has a head on it that drives Women wild?

A Fifty Dollar Bill!

How do you know a Woman is about to say something intelligent?

When she begins with,

"A man once told me."

I have been called a Grouch by some people.

Its not that I am Anti-Social.

I'm just not user friendly!

This is,

Me,

Laughing All The Way To The Bank,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Live your Eyeliner, Breathe your Lipstick, and Kill for Each Other.”
- Lady Gaga -

That is my story and I am sticking with it!

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Knock knock.

Who's there?

Doctor.

Doctor Who?

The Man From Mars - Episode Ten

  Right then and there.
  Right after he showed me that face on Mars and said it was a destroyed monument of him, I did my shot of tequila and was drinking down the rest of my beer, knowing I was going to get out of there.
  Free drinks or not, I don't like it when people lie to me.
  "I know, there is no way can I prove it to you. That it was a memorial to me," said the Man from Mars. "But, let me prove to you that I am not of this Earth."
  He looks at his mug of beer, then reaches for it with both hands. With his right thumb and index finger, he starts rubbing the right top part of the glass. With his left thumb and index finger, he does the same to the other side.
  After thirty seconds or so, he says, "I can't show you a full demonstration of my abilities. The other patrons of this bar would notice and the word would spread like wild fire on social media."
  I said, "I'm sorry, I have to go."
  "George," he said. "You have a moment for this."
  I couldn't remember if I had told him my name or not. I hesitated, thinking about it.
  That hesitation was long enough for him to take his left hand, palm on the mug, raising it up.
  I was startled slightly, because the beer came up out of the glass, on the left side, about three inches. Never spilling, onto the table, or out, over the glass.
  The bulk still lay at the bottom of the glass, but part of it snaked up, along the inside of the mug, hovering in the air, bending at the tip towards his hand. It was like, for a better term, like a snake's head, bending at what can only be describe as its neck, looking at his hand.
  The Man from Mars, moved his hand in front of the glass mug. The snake head followed, looking at his hand the whole time.
  The Man from Mars moved his left hand to the back of the mug and the snake followed again.
  He pointed a finger down, along the outside of his glass, rotating it around and around. Inside his mug there was a whirlpool of swirling beer. The whole time the snake head keeping up with the hand.
  I sober up enough to say, "Nice parlor trick. So now you are a magician too?"
  That is when he rub his right hand on my back a few times.
  Suddenly I was pushed up, tightly against the wooden bar.
  "Come on," I started to say angrily. I twisted my head around to bitterly degrade his personal hygiene and his looks, when I noticed his hand was two feet behind my back. There was nothing between me and his hand.
  Whatever force he was using to push me, never let up, but I managed to twist and turn myself around. Putting my back against the bar.
  I wanted to see if I could figure out what he was using to drive me against that bar.
  I couldn't see anything.
  He eased up on me little, probably because of the confused look I had.
  "How did you do that?" Was the obvious question to ask.
  "Your not going to believe me," he said smiling.
  "Try me."
  "All atoms are made up of neutrons, protons, and electrons."
  "Stop with the science class, " I said interrupting. "Give me some facts."
  "Fact. I can manipulate the electrons and protons, or the positive and negative charges of atoms, in inanimate objects, to line up like poles on a magnet. Fact. I can do this with the air molecules surrounding you, to the liquids in my beer, to the heaviest of granite stones. Fact. I have built most of the original seven wonders of the world."
  I looked at him with skepticism. "Are you talking about the pyramids?"

  He replied quickly. "The Temple of Artemis, the Lighthouse of Alexandria, the Colossus of Rhodes."
  "OK, OK." I said. Stopping his prideful rant. "I get the idea. You built them all, including the pyramids."
  I paused for a moment, then asked. "Why aren't you the most powerful man in the World?"
  "I am the most powerful man in the World," came his answer. "Why should I let the World know who I am? There would be world-wide panic. Governments would try to capture me to learn my secrets. Others would think I am a blasphemy to whatever creator they believe in. I would have constant attempts on my life. I would have to destroy every Country and its people on one of your continents, so I could have a place to live. To have no further threats from humanity, I would have to bring your species back to the stone-age. Even though I am alone, where there are no longer any of my kind, I would be completely isolated from any social contact of any kind. No one, not Martian or Human, can live without social contact, without going insane."
  "I see." I said. It only brought up more questions to my mind. "Did any of your kind become prophets in our past history?"
  He looked at me, not saying a word.
  So I thought, how should I ask this? "Did any of your brethren claimed his name was Jesus and to prove he was the son of God, perform miracles?"
  "I know you are not a religious man George," he told me. "Let us just say, we have had a hand in creating many different kinds of religions to give humanity direction. To help you progress as a species before you destroyed yourselves, as we have done, back on Mars."
  He went quiet then. The force which was pushing on me, disappeared. The snake head beer suddenly dropped back inside his mug. He looked sad. Sadder than I have seen someone in a long time.
  So I asked him. "Before you left Mars, could you and your companions have done something to prevent your World from destroying itself?"
  His head quickly pops up from its sadden slacken pose and its eyes stare intently at me. A redden face says, with a hint of sorrow, "We might have been the cause of it!"

To Be Continued...

Next Thursday.

This is,

I Did Not See That Twist Coming,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“To realize the truth, you have to cross the boundaries of all religions and prophets.”
- Amit Ray, -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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My Children's Future

When you are old enough to have

Children,

like it

or not,

we are judged on how well we do raising them.

We are judged by their friends parents,

by their friends,

by school teachers,

and by neighbors.

Your older

Children

will be critical of how you raise the younger ones.

The worst critic though,

will always be yourself.

No matter how much you read on the subject,

take classes on how to raise them,

or ask the advice of family

and friends,

who have gone through it before you,

each child has a distinctive personality of their own.

And what might have worked for one child,

does not work for another.

My oldest,

can't hold a job for the life of him

and his family.

But I still love him.

My second oldest turned his life around so much,

after we gave him a stint of hard love,

that I am very proud that he calls me

Dad

today.

My eldest

and second oldest daughters are the little sweethearts of the family.

My siblings

and my father think they are the bee's knees,

by having a good head on their shoulder's.

I am often told that they are doing a wonderful job of raising a family of their own,

and keeping me alive in the process.

I have three others who still need time before they begin a family.

Yet,

there is always the one who protests your every decision.

The one who says,

"It's my life and I can do what I want with it."

Like I did when I was his age.

I was the one growing up who protested the system.

Literally.

I was a young hippie who thought we would change the

World,

before becoming a punk-rocker when I saw that hippies were becoming  yuppies.

What's my point?

I don't know if I have one.

All I can say is,

do the best you can

and be satisfied with that.

 I gave this to my

Father

when I was twenty-five years old.

This is,

Always Worried For My Children's Future

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“Children must be taught how to think, not what to think.”
- Margaret Mead -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Everyone Is Addicted

Why is this happening?
I have been a pillar of the community for over ten years now.
Not once, as a History teacher or as the high school girls basketball coach, have I ever been so tempted, in all my life.
I don't know what it is?
I don't know why I can't get it out of my head.
I have a wife of 15 years.
I have two boys, ages 14 and 11.
I have a home, fine clothes, a nice car, and a good job at the school.
Do I really want to risk it all for a lust I cannot control?
Who do I talk to?
If I say anything to anyone, I could lose my job as the girls coach and as a teacher.
When I took the job, I was warned.
Hands off.
Don't even think of flirting with the idea.
But how can I not have desires?
If I give into my temptation, won't my career and family life be over?
Risk it all, everything I have worked for, for a moment of pleasure?
But maybe I can make that pleasure last?
Maybe I could make it work somehow?
There are other places I can work, if need be.
My wife will divorce me, of course, taking the kids, the house, probably the car, everything!
But, I don't care.
I need it.
Deep down inside me, I have a lust I cannot hide any longer.
I must have it!

"Ryan," says a commanding voice. "Are you going to order or what? You are holding up the line."
"I will have a cup of coffee and a box of donuts," I tell the proprietor.
"Ryan, your wife has been in here asking me not to serve you anymore. She says you are eating your way into an early grave. What am I going to say to her?"
"Tell her, that you make the best donuts in the world and I am addicted to them!"

This is,

What Did You Think I Was Talking About?

Everyone Is Addicted To Coffee

And Donuts!

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

 “I'll share my life with you. But, not my doughnuts.”
- Crystal Woods, -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Whistle While You Work

You might be asking yourself,

TwoBuckHowie

how come you don't answer those hard hitting questions anymore?

The ones we didn't know we wanted to ask.

I'll tell you why,

because some people have jobs!

Sorry,

I like saying that.

I didn't mean anything by it.

If you are a computer geek,

or just your average coach potato computer geek like I was for the past nine years,

getting a job

and meeting new people is a lot of fun.

And you know me,

I love to talk,

and meeting more people every day gives me ample opportunities to babble.

But,

I did come across something interesting today you might like to read about.

A

Villain

of giant proportions!

Jeff Bezos, Aspiring Supervillian, Tests out Gigantic Robot Suit.

By Matt Novak for Gizmodo.com

"What would you do if you were a billionaire? Elon Musk is trying to get to Mars. Peter Thiel wants to live forever. And Jeff Bezos, well, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos apparently wants to rule the world in a gigantic robot. At least that’s the impression you might get from the photos and video taken yesterday. Last night at Amazon’s annual robotics conference Jeff Bezos slipped into something a bit more comfortable—a 13-foot tall robot designed by Korean company Hankook Mirae Technology. Bezos, much like his fellow tech billionaires, seems to be on the fast track to supervillain status before we’re all inevitably annihilated in a nuclear war started by one of Trump’s butt-tweets."

 “Why do I feel so much like Sigourney Weaver,”

Bezos quipped, referring to the Alien movie franchise.

Any questions out there?

TwoBuck,

do deer whistles really work?

I do not know?

After running into a deer myself last year,

and knowing that most of my family have gone through it themselves,

in the great

State Of Wisconsin,

it's worth a try.

Or is it?

How Effective Are Deer Whistles to Avoid Vehicle Collisions?

By John Ozoga For Deer and Deer Hunting.com

"Invented in Austria in 1979, deer whistles are still distributed by many companies in Europe and the United States. Simple air-activated whistles are relatively inexpensive ($5 to $10 apiece online), but electronic systems may cost several hundred dollars. The devices are generally attached to the front of the vehicle, and manufacturers claim they produce ultrasonic frequencies and warn animals of approaching vehicles, thereby reducing deer-vehicle collisions."

 

"In Utah, researchers Laura Romin and Larry Dalton detected no differences in responses from 150 groups of free-ranging mule deer to vehicles equipped with and without deer whistles. Although some deer ran away from the test vehicle, they did so regardless of the presence or absence of whistles. Considering the challenges of producing sound at appropriate intensities and distances from a moving vehicle, deer hearing capabilities, human safety concerns, and our observed lack of behavioral responses of deer to sound treatments, auditory deterrents do not appear to be appropriate for prevention of deer-vehicle collisions.”

Well,

people who I have talked to say they work.

So who are you going to believe?

People who have gotten

Grants

to do the research,

or your average

Beer Drinking Joe

who goes

Hunting

once a year?

Your right,

I am buying one tomorrow!

This is,

Whistling While I Work

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“If you want me, just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together and blow."
- Lauren Bacall, -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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