Isabella Fiorella Elettra Giovanna Rossellini

What would you do if you wanted to make your own mark in the world,

but you come from

Hollywood Royalty?

Your father was the famous director

Roberto Rossellini

and your mother was the famous actress

Ingrid Bergman.

You were once married to

Martin Scorsese

and lived with,

at different times,

David Lynch

and

Gary Oldman.

You have been an

Italian actress,

filmmaker,

author,

philanthropist,

and

model.

You even have 1 of those beautiful Italian names.

Isabella Fiorella Elettra Giovanna Rossellini.

What do you do when you have it all?

You start you own television series on the

Sundance Channel

called

Green Porno

of course!

I found it on

YouTube.

https://youtu.be/TmC2JTtatUE?list=PL14F6452A495787DE

It's not what you think by just reading the name.

It is all about teaching young adults about animal sexuality.





This is,

Saying Maybe It Is What You Think,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

"I believe in a set of values I cannot live by. I set high goals for myself, I seek perfection, dream of exotic faraway places. But ultimately, what I long for isn't far away at all. It's in my own backyard. Imperfection charms me, familiar things move me... a celebration of what we have, instead of what we long for. That for me, is glamor." - Isabella Rossellini - That is my story and I am sticking to it! Like what you are reading? Sign up as a Follower, or leave a Comment. If it's worthy enough, I'll answer you in a Post. Thanks for reading.

Why I Quit Drinking

     A lot of you might be thinking after reading the heading of this story that I might be some kind of alcoholic. Or, you could be thinking that I quit drinking because I now have cirrhosis of the liver because of too much vodka. These theories and any others you might be thinking of couldn't be further from the truth.
     It all started the day I went to Wisconsin on vacation and I ended up getting lost in the deep woods.
     I wasn't afraid of wandering around in the forest not knowing exactly where I was because, as a youth, I was a Cub Scout. I knew that moss grew on the north side of rocks and the lower part of tree trunks, because direct sunlight would dry up the fragile plants. At night, the Northern Star is, well, always in the north. I know how to identify poison ivy, poison oak, and poison sumac. That swiftly moving water in streams is safer to drink than pools of stagnant puddles. And that all berries are not edible.
     So I was pretty sure I would find my way out of the dense woodland before I died of starvation or thirst. Besides, I had about five protein bars, two bottles of water, a blanket, and a pint of scotch in my backpack.
     What got me to relax, or put down my guard, was the beautiful red and orange sunset, gleaming through the branches of all the trees.
     The air was warm, birds were chirping, and crickets scratched their legs as I laid there watching the wonderful colors reflecting off the leaves.
     That is when I thought to myself, what would a couple of swigs from my bottle of scotch hurt?
     A couple turned into three, then four, and then the whole bottle.
     I started stumbling in the dark, determined with a clouded mind, to find my way to civilization. I didn't check my bearings with the North Star. I just kept wandering deeper into the woods.
     Finally, the alcohol took its toll on me. I laid down and went to sleep.
     It's when I woke up that I became frightened.
     The boughs and trunks of all the surrounding trees were curved in strange ways. A lot of them were toppled over by being uprooted. And the usual vibrant vegetation which covered the ground around those trees was now dirt or thinning grassland.
     I started walking again, noticing there wasn't a sound except the rustling of leaves from a mild breeze.
     As the wind increased, the noise grew louder. Branches looked as if they were waving at me to hurry my stride, pointing in the direction I should go.
     The wind grew and the sound from the creaking trees told me I was in danger. I believe I heard tiny little voices talking about me.
     That told me that I should run.
     Gale force wind started breaking off branches and blowing over trees, as if it was throwing those limbs at me. On more than one occasion I had to dive out of the way of a pointed broken limb which was thrown in my direction or get skewered like a shish kabob.
      I feared for my life. The forest was alive and I felt like I did something to anger it.
      I ran and ran, as fast as I could. Suddenly, I fell over an old log, rolling down a steep embankment, and landing in the middle of a paved road.
      Screeching wheels and the smell of burnt rubber stopped inches from my head. An old country gent quickly got out of his car and asked, "Are you all right?"
      I screamed, "The forest is alive and it's trying to kill me."
      He started laughing, telling me, "You city folks are so damn funny. That's the drunken forest. These woods have a lot of groundwater beneath it, almost like a swamp, where the roots of the trees can't take a strong foothold. These woods are always moving, changing, and being uprooted with the slightest
breeze."
      But I knew better. It was the fairies of the forest who tried to kill me, because I desecrated their sacred ground. I vowed then and there that I would never drink again. Why risk the wrath of fairies who can manipulate trees or vegetation so they can extirpate me because of my obnoxious behavior!

This is,

I Swear On The Bottle Of Scotch That I Drank That This Story Is Absolutely True!

  You Would Believe It Too If Were As Drunk As I Was

Jim Hauenstein

And

“A cold wind was blowing from the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things.”
- George R.R. Martin -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Thanks for reading

 

Be kind to one another

 

I'll be seeing you

 

“Whenever I Feel The Need To Exercise, I Lie Down Until It Goes Away.”

What do you call an acid with a bad attitude?

A-mean-oh-acid!

What subject in school is easy for Witches?

Spell-ing!

Two beers

or

not two beers?

That is the question.

- Shakespeare -

Alcohol

Because no great story in life

started with a salad.

- Confucius -

What did David,

the Professor at

Bowie State, Massachusetts

ask for in a

Mexican Restaurant?

A Beer-rito!

 
 Silence is Golden!
Unless you have Children.

Then it is Suspicious!

- Aristotle -

This is,

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise,
I lie down until it goes away.”

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“I love mankind ... it's the people I can't stand!”
- Charles Schultz, -

That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Like what you are reading?

Sign up as a Follower,
or leave a Comment.
If it's worthy enough,
I'll answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

More Fiction Stories Soon

That I haven't kept up with my

Blog.

It's because my computer is in the shop.

I know,
I should have fixed it myself but I am so tired of working on other people's computer that now I hate doing it.

The only time I get to work on the

Blog

is when I go to the library.

But it seems,

the more time I have,

the more things I have to do during the day.

I still can't figure out why that happens!

Oh well.

I will be more consistent once I get it back.

Please be patient.
Read some of my
Flash Fiction,
Poems,
or watch 1 of my
Music Videos
I already have here on my
Blog.

I'm sure that I will come up with new exciting ideas for more

Fiction Stories

soon!


This is,
Brainstorming As I Write,
Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“There's an old saying that great writing is simple but not easy, and so it is. The search for that one plain but in-obvious word that will do the work of five, the agony of untangling a complex idea that has become a mess of phrases in the writer's mind, the willingness to keep doing it over and over again until it is right--all of that plus some luck yields prose so clear that it seems a child could have written it.”  

- William Souder -

 That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Like what you are reading? 
Sign up as a Follower,
or leave a Comment.
 If it's worthy enough, 
I'll answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

Happiness Is A State Of Mind

I was thinking all day yesterday,

what I was going to write about?

Yet,

I couldn't come up with a decent idea worthy of somebody wanting to read it.

Then,

I was given the story I was looking for.

At two-thirty this morning,

I was awakened by a loud motorcycle revving its engine,

and the noisy voices of my drunk next door neighbor

and his friend.

This is the same person who constantly calls the

Police

on me for the slightest noise at my house.

He takes pictures of the cars that drive up to my house,

and apparently,

gives those photos to the

Officer,

who is dispatched to investigate the complaint.

This is supposedly proof that I am either some kind of

Terrorist,

organizing a plot against humanity,

or I am an exotic animal smuggler,

selling unregistered

Monkeys

to the highest bidder.

Of course,

the

Police

do not take him seriously,

because he himself is a wack job.

They haven't even bothered to knock on my door to question me.

He is in the same category of,

Human Beings,

who will leave notes on your car window,

telling you,

what you are doing wrong in life.

Or,

if he sees you,

he will tell you,

that the parking spot in front of his house,

is his alone,

and for no one else.

He will say ignorant things like,

"It is illegal for you to park there. I am the only one aloud to park there!"

Once,

a couple years back,

when this girl started making a U-turn in front of me,

right in front of his house,

I hit her head on.

He came to his front door when the

Police

arrived,

and started yelling that I had contraband in the trunk of my car

and they should arrest me.

First,

the

Police

said the accident was the girl's fault because she was on her

Cell Phone.

Second,

she didn't look for oncoming traffic before pulling away from the curb.

Third,

this neighbor of mine,

wasn't even brave enough to come outside of his home to accuse me of

Drug Smuggling.

He stayed behind a locked screen door so the

Police

would not arrest him for being a

Public Nuisance.

Fourth,

the

Officer

at the scene of the accident asked me

if I wanted him to have a word with my neighbor

and if he could draw him outside,

maybe he could arrest him for

Disturbing The Peace.

Because of his constant use of profanity towards me,

that the whole neighborhood could hear.

I said no,

because after he was released,

he would be worse with his belligerence,

when he knew the

Police

were not around.

You see,

I have kids,

and as long as he directs his anger towards me,

and not them,

I can put up with it.

  I feel sorry for the poor fellow.

It must be awful to go through life angry all the time.

I think he picks on his neighbors,

to make himself feel better.

Yet,

I have never seen him enjoy himself,

or be happy.

Except when he is drunk.

He is always complaining

or mad about something.

It must really piss him off that his wife,

which he seems to fight with on a regular basis,

is neighborly towards me.

I'm such a nice guy.

She just cannot help herself.

But,

I guess,

he sees me as a threat since I am not miserable like he is.

To change,

to

"Be Happy,"

he needs to stop worrying about me,

and everyone else in the neighborhood!

He needs to worry about taking care of his family,

and treating them with respect.

Then,

maybe happiness,

might be able to creep inside his

Mind,

Heart,

and

Soul.

This is,
I Am So Glad That I Found The Secret To Happiness,
Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

 That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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Sign up as a Follower,
or leave a Comment.
 If it's worthy enough, 
I'll answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

I Was Cool Once

   I was watching one of my grandsons this past weekend when he said something that I thought was kind of funny. Here is a little backstory so you can understand what happened.

***** 

   Last Christmas he got a Gold Necklace, with a diamond studded

Cross attached to it, from his Aunt.

He is only 10 years old.

***** 

When he was about to leave to go home with his father,

I said,

"Don't forget your Bling."

Then he said, 
"You can't say that grandpa. You're too old!"
My reaction to that was,
"What do you mean? I'm cool."
He looked at me
and smiled.
"Grandpa, you where never cool!"
Laughing I said,
"I was cool once."
Now he was laughing
and he finishes by saying,
"Nobody was cool back in the olden days!"

This is,

I Never Wore The Bling, But I Was Cool In My Day

Really, I Was

TwoBuckHowie

And,

“I love my grandpa and respect him.”
- Chynna Weber -

 That is my story, and I am sticking to it!

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or leave a Comment
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Thanks for reading.

Blinded By Science

This is an updated version of the 
Periodic Table Song

written

and performed by

AsapSCIENCE.

Remember kids.

Unlike in

Mathematics,

two negatives in

Chemistry

does not make a positive!

Mixing

Ammonia

and

Bleach

together,

which are considered two negative compounds in

Chemistry,

releases an odorless,

colorless gas that is highly toxic.

It will actually burn your lungs from the inside out!

That is our

Chemistry Lesson

for today.

This is,

Blinded By Science,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

Why The Warning?
Because Someone I knew Did This To Himself
And Died.

“The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.”
- Isaac Asimov -

 That is my story and I am sticking to it!

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I'll answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.

I did not kiss her derriere!

I'm the proud
Papa
of seven children.

I started having kids late in life though.

Which means,

my last three children were born 1 year apart from each other.

Meaning,

I had three kids in diapers at the same time!

The oldest of the three was a little instigator.

Always daring the younger two to do something funny
or foolish.

While she sat back
and watched.

Like all parents,

whenever my kids got an 
owie,

I would say,

"Should I kiss it to make it feel better?"

Kids all over the
World
believe if there parents kiss their

boo-boos,

everything feels so much better.

One evening,

after a long hard day at work,

I came home to find the three little ones watching the 

Disney Channel.

As soon as the eldest saw me,

she leans over,

from her sitting position,

like she was pointing her butt at me

and says,

"Daddy I fell down and hurt my bottom. Will you kiss it and make it feel better?"

All three kids,

still wearing diapers mind you,

started rolling on the living room carpet hysterically.

They wouldn't stop laughing.

That is baby humor at its best.

And no,

I did not kiss her derriere!

This is,

Still Willing To Kiss Boo-Boos If They Ask Me To,

Jim Hauenstein,

And,

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” 

- Rodney Dangerfield -

 That is my story and I am sticking to it!

Like what you are reading? 
Sign up as a Follower,
or leave a Comment.
 If it's worthy enough, 
I'll answer you in a Post.

Thanks for reading.